America's Next Top Model
Kathy Griffin

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Lipstick on a Pigford

You will not be surprised when I tell you that Bianca does not approve. She says that Lisa is a mess. Bianca's philosophy is that you should take yourself seriously as a model, and not just be a spectacle. In the Top Model world, Bianca is totally fighting the man. She's occupying Smize Street. Although I do kind of wonder how this is less of a spectacle than shoving a hot dog down your maw for the cameras. Some dudes ask Bianca why she's not in the tub, and she tells them that it's not really her personality. They tell her that Nigel is going to make her go in there, and Bianca replies that Nigel knows not to mess with her. She interviews that she's never seen Beyonce or Tyra in a tub. While that's not strictly true if you do a Google image search, I agree that you wouldn't think of Beyonce flopping around in a clawfoot during an actual event. Bianca is prepared to take on the judges if she must, and is determined to stand her ground. Nigel rolls over and encourages Bianca to be candid whilst in the tub, and Bianca reiterates that it's not her thing. Nigel tells her that "candid" and a frown don't go together. Okay, number one, she's smiling. And two, yes they do. Shut up, Nigel. Kayla's position on the whole thing is that sometimes if you want to get paid you have to do stupid shit. I guess it's hard to argue with that.

All around the party, people are getting drunk and falling into bathtubs with pretty ladies. And the models are encouraging the fans to give them high ratings on their surveys. Shannon tells us how much she loves the word "smitten," and Nigel gives her some shit about whether he's head over heels and blindly in love, and then says if you're smitten you'll fall backwards in a tub, which he does. He says, "I'm smitten," which actually means, "I'm wasted." It is worth noting that Shannon doesn't look wet at all. She didn't get in any damn tub, either. Eva tells us that Shannon is too caught up in her own trustworthy, virginal, godly image, and won't go outside of that. And yet Nigel still tries to passively-aggressively bone her whenever they're in close proximity!

The ladies head back up to the Roosevelt roof for their evaluation. Nigel says again that he hopes they created a million dollar fragrance, and adds that the winner of this cycle will be the face of a new America's Next Top Model fragrance developed by Hatch Beauty. It shall be called "Smize," and will smell like beer-infused weave with notes of umeboshi. Eva announces that the best, most sellable, and most marketable model, and thus the winner of the fragrance challenge, is Lisa. Is she going to win this whole season? This is the moment when the terror becomes real. Bianca tells us that she predicts a double elimination soon, and wants to bring this home, but is not for sale. Quoth Bianca, "If I had to do the perfume challenge all over again, I wouldn't change anything except my shoes." As she plants her glam tent firmly on Tooch Avenue, we occupy a commercial break.

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America's Next Top Model




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