America's Next Top Model
Kelly Osbourne

Episode Report Card
Potes: B | 1 USERS: B+
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Downton Shabby

When we return, the models are getting ready for the Fierce Parade. AzMarie and Laura flirt. FYI, Laura's flirting technique involves saying, "And when I get drunk I take off my clothes." She's the subtle one. Laura tells us that she's a true bisexual, and also that she wants to jump AzMarie. At least the crimping hasn't fried her brain entirely. We continue the series, "Flirting Tips with Laura," which next espouses the technique of telling the hot lesbian that women give you better orgasms. AzMarie (whose name I keep wanting to type as "Azriel") seems not entirely uninterested, but she's enough of a pro to know that she has her pick of this crew. That might include Ashley, 22, from Armadale, Scotland, if anyone could understand what she was saying. Ashley knows she's getting subtitled. The pronunciation barrier drops enough, however, for Ashley to impart the news that all of the Brits are veterans of past seasons of BNTM. Laura wonders how she, as a total novice, is supposed to compete against girls who have done this before. Eboni, 18 from Seattle, is more confident, however. She's put off college for the time being to take advantage of this opportunity, such as it is. Eboni is particularly gorgeous, and does seem like she could be a contender.

Fashion designer Oliver Tolentino outfits the ladies in 1776-inspired garb, as we learn that Ashley has two little kids. Because of the kids, she says, she hasn't had many modeling opportunities and she's hoping to learn more tips of the trade by being on ANTM. She wants her kids to have a stable life and be proud of her. No better way to achieve that than by appearing on a well-worn reality show overseas! Next we meet plus-sized (what happened to "fiercely real"?) Seymone, who is 19 from Augusta, Georgia. Seymone's parents have apparently had it with her fame-whoring ambitions, and so if this doesn't work out she's going to become a dental assistant. There's an assistant at my dentist who is exactly 106 years old, which I see as proof that it's a career with some longevity. Not to be ageist, but she pokes my gums A LOT. The American models start to do a "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" chant/rap/song, which prompts Alisha, 20, from South London, to tell us that they need to turn it down a bit. She can't hear a bloody thing! It's like having footballers behind her! Soon she'll have to go to hospital! Where she'll have some chips! And by that she means fries! The Americans are as loud as they wanna be. That's how we do.

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America's Next Top Model

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