America's Next Top Model
Kelly Osbourne

Episode Report Card
Potes: B | 1 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
Downton Shabby

When we return, it's panel time! The girls are clustered according to their respective nationalities, and wear both shirts and lips emblazoned with the flag of their country. The lips look so gross, like they've each gotten a bad case of oral herpes mixed with some sort of rare fungus. I think this whole British endeavor would have been much more successful if the show had Americans versus all of Downton Abbey. Featuring guest judge The Dowager Countess! And imagine the hijinx when Lady Edith and AzMarie hooked up. Legendary.

Prior to the judging, Tyra has a very important announcement to make. Just because she's American, she says, it doesn't mean that she will favor the American girls. Or maybe she will. Who really gives a care at this point? We now return to our regularly scheduled programming, which is also all about Tyra. The panel is introduced. There is Nigel, of course, for the millionth year. But then, in a big sad, there is no Andre Leon Talley, he of the legendary wizard's cloak and dreckitude. Instead, we get Kelly Cutrone, who is "a legendary fashion PR maven." Her little caption actually says, "PR Maven." Is that a job title? I have to cop to not really understanding who she is, even though I've heard the name around and know that she has something to do with reality TV. I'm sure I'll find out over the course of the next few weeks. But I'm not sure how to judge a model now that there's no way of knowing whether ALT would hang her portrait in his salon. Kelly Osbourne is the guest judge.

There are prizes to be had: a spread in Vogue Italia and appearance on vogue.it; a correspondent gig on Extra; a single produced and released by CBS records; an opportunity to be the face of the Top Model fragrance, "Dream Come True"; a modeling contract with L.A. Models and New York Model Management; and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl. When they talk about the fragrance prize we get a glimpse of D'Amato, which brings up some PTSD for me personally.

With that, the critique commences. Eboni and Ashley are up first, and Ashley wisely expresses her excitement to the panel. Kelly O. asks Eboni why she thinks she looks like Jackie Onassis in her picture. Eboni says that she was a fashion icon, which she portrayed through her body language. Kelly C. says that she likes Eboni's picture, but that it's more like a BCBG campaign, whereas Jackie Kennedy was like aristocracy (which she pronounces, "uh-RIS-to-cra-see"). Tyra says that Princess Di was famous for tilting her head down and looking to the left and right, neither of which Ashley did. Kelly O. also thinks that Ashley's masculine positioning threw everything off.

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America's Next Top Model

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