America's Next Top Model
Kelly Osbourne

Episode Report Card
Potes: B | 1 USERS: B+
Downton Shabby

Next up are Laura and Alisha, as Madonna and Elton John. Tyra asks what the experience was like, and Laura offers up that she doesn't think she nailed it like she should have. Well, that was unwise. Kelly tells Laura that she prepared the judges to think the worst about her image, and what PR Mavens do is make people want things that they don't need. I'm sure her clients love hearing that. Meanwhile, Wikipedia tells me that Kelly Cutrone was once a tarot card reader. Maybe she promised Tyra a free reading if she could judge on the 18th cycle of America's Next Top Model? I'd say that's a fair trade. Anyway, Cutrone thinks that Laura's photo is great, but hopes she doesn't self-deprecate again. Meanwhile, poor Alisha! I could not imagine a more horrible photo of yourself to gaze upon. She looks like a crazy homeless androgyne from Mars. (Feel free to take that for your band name. You're welcome.) The whole thing was stacked against her with that wig, but this is also the scowlingest photo you could ever produce.

Next we have Catherine as Queen Elizabeth and AzMarie as George Washington. Catherine gets great feedback from Nigel, and Tyra thinks that AzMarie needs a bit more oomph. Because when you think of George Washington, you think of oomph. As a collective image, Cutrone is not particularly impressed with Mariah and Jasmia's version of Pocahontas versus John Lennon. How could you look at that and be anything but confused? Cutrone says that she's not sure, viewing the photo, how the characters go together. I would just like to say: this is not the fault of the models. She goes on to say that if she got the photo of Jasmia as John Lennon, she'd have no idea what to do with it. I mean, yes. But again, not Jasmia's fault! Kelly Osbourne says that it looks like some sort of Universal Studios tourist dress-up thing, which again, yes. And THEN Nigel tells Mariah that she had a very easy thing to do, being Native American and dressing up as Pocahontas. Embodying a stereotype: what could be simpler?!? It's unreal, truly. I'm surprised they didn't give her a necklace made of scalps.

Next up we have Kyle as Andy Warhol versus Louise playing Amy Winehouse. Cutrone gives Kyle kudos, but Nigel is not impressed by Louise's lack of angles. Tyra tells her that the more her body breaks, the more interesting and dynamic the shot will be. Candace and Annaliese are next as Janet Jackson and Scary Spice. Nigel thinks that Annaliese has too much aggression and anger in her face, while Cutrone tells her that there's no face and no energy. Kelly Osbourne is more complimentary, and likes that the photo looks like a dance-off. Tyra doesn't see much Janet in Candace's portrayal, and says that she looks like she's riding a horse. Finally, there's Seymone and Sophie as Michelle Obama and Margaret Thatcher. Nigel loves the action and movement of Seymone's shot, even though there's some significant upskirt. Kelly Osbourne agrees, and says that the two models worked well together, and captured the various decades in which these women were (are) powerful. Tyra tells Sophie that her picture is Margaret Thatcher meets Judge Judy, but that it's fierce. It SOUNDS fierce. Can you imagine?

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America's Next Top Model




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