Oh my God, you guys, Tyra's phone has been hacked! But instead of finding some Olivia Munn level shit, we only get an email that outlines this season's makeovers. Er, I mean, this cycle's shakeovers. Yes, I said shakeovers. And they promise to be wacky! The girls head to the Sally Hershberger salon, and somewhere in the midst of describing what's happening Annaliese uses the word "freaky deaky," which makes her my instant favorite. There are some surprising-ish things. Laura gets a white-blonde bleach job, with red and blue clip-ins. Sophie goes cotton candy pink, and it actually looks pretty cute. Catherine goes magenta, and Alisha gets shaved on one side of her head and outfitted with a weave on the other. Just when you think that Azmarie is already bald and so this show can't think of anything to do to humiliate her, she gets "ANTM" shaved into the back of her head. In her spare time, she assists the stylists with her patented "shampoo of seduction," the perfect way to an aspiring model's heart and lady bits.
A couple of people are a little pain-in-the assy, per usual. Mariah gets very worried that her hair will be cut, and says that it would be like cutting her culture. This from the girl who was honored to wear a Pocahontas costume! Happily for her, she keeps the length and just get bangs, which makes her look oddly like a young Britney Spears. Poor Eboni gets a bad burn on her cheek from a curling iron. A similar thing happened to me in kindergarten and almost resulted in Child Protective Services paying a home visit -- see the recap for the full story! Louise is the worst of all, as she tries to resist both a Dutch boy cut and a darker color. In the end the stylists do just what they intended to, and she shows herself to be a complete prat. She thinks it look like Justin Bieber, which is not entirely untrue, but then somehow also thinks she's also the greatest. This one is a mental case, for sure.
Then there is a weird interlude in which the teams each have to eat a table full of food from the other team's country. Of course they pick the most disgusting stuff, like haggis for the British food and pig's feet for the American. Plus-sized Seymone uses her fiercely real powers to down a whole giant… loaf?... of haggis, to the disgust of everyone, even after Sophie tells her exactly what it's made of. Later, she feels sick and also mad that Candace makes a haggis joke at her expense. Candace was just telling a joke to make herself laugh!
This week's photo shoot has the girls posing as toddlers with ultimate mom-ager Kris Jenner (outfitted as a madame who has a part time job as a French maid) and the younger Kardashian-adjacent Jenner daughters (dressed as the twins from The Shining). Yes, you heard me right. Jay characterizes it as "The Kardashians meet the Addams Family," as if the Kardashians aren't creepy enough on their own. It is another week of group shots, and this time the Brits do better overall. It's American Laura, however, who gets the week's best photo for giving full-on broken down toddler from the crib. Seymone and Mariah land in the bottom two, and in the end Seymone must have built up some good karma from eating all that haggis because she stays.
Previously: US versus UK! It all started with a Universal City Walk showdown that involved some SERIOUS over the shoulder jacket tossing (DRAMA!), and ended with the showdown we never dreamed of nor wanted: John Lennon versus Pocahontas. Brit model Jasmia became the first casualty of The Revolutionary Bore: 2012. Thirteen transatlantic bitches remain!
The ladies return to their house to find Seymone's best-of-week photo digitally displayed. In celebration of her victory, and in turn the victory of her country, she gets a big silver box for the US contestants. Inside are ugly clothes. Who's the real winner here, one wonders? Eboni tells us that the US girls showed the UK girls that although the Brits might have more modeling experience, the Americans are ready to send them home on an eleven hour flight. That was the most labored smack talk I've ever seen. The Americans clearly have some work to do.
Meanwhile, the Brits regroup and Sophie expresses her strong opinion that they did way better in the last photo shoot. Sophie was in the fifth cycle of BNTM and came in second. Her American equivalent, then, is Nik Pace, who had that random secret butch girlfriend that she'd talk to on the phone. What was her name? I feel like it was literally something like "Stud," though that's probably not true. That was back when there was a one lesbian per cycle rule, and Kim Stolz locked that shit up. Do you think that the Brits had an equivalent to "Granola Gate"? Oh, the times we had! Anyway, Sophie. She really wants to break into the American market. Annaliese tells us that America's Next Top Model is like the holy land or Mecca... of the Top Model franchises. That didn't end quite as climactically as it began. In any case, the Brits refuse to roll over and lose all the time.
The Americans are concurrently in their room cooing over their ugly new clothes. Mariah reminds us that she's a proud, strong Native American woman, and that her people were done wrong by some long-ago Brits. Mariah says that if drama is brought to her and needs to be dealt with, she'll deal with it. Even though the smooshing together of those statements makes it seem like she's talking about genocide, I think she is referring to drama of the "Clean your shit or I'll write in your low-carb brownies" variety. Or at least I hope so.
And then there is Tyra Mail! It's a video hosted by Victoria Recano of ANTM TV. She has a newsflash! This just in: Tyra Banks's cell phone has been hacked! Confidential emails are flooding the web! Just when you think we might get some naughty half-naked photos of Tyra with dirty talk making rampant use of the phrase "booty tooch," Victoria reveals that the juiciest email has to do with the Cycle 19 makeovers. Escandalo! The girls jump up and down like they have been electrocuted. If only! Tyra is taking her inspiration straight from Europe, where funky cuts and colors are ruling the runway. The girls glimpse an email with words such as "cotton candy pink" and "half shaved head," and try to figure out who is getting what. Louise looks not particularly thrilled about this development, in keeping with her custom of not looking particularly thrilled about anything. Mariah is nervous, as she's always had long hair and her entire family has braids. If her hair is cut short, she says, it's like cutting her culture. The Party City Pocohontas costume, in contrast, was totally cool. In a bit that is particularly devoid of charm, Alisha pretends not to know what a Native American is, and then we cut to credits.