America's Next Top Model
Kris Jenner

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Enter the Haggis

When we return, the girls head to the Sally Hershberger salon. Sophie tells us that she's ready to embrace a new look, and asserts the opinion that Tyra will only do things to make the models stronger. Maybe in Britain they don't give the crazy scraggly weaves? The Jays are at Sally's salon, and it is as part of their introduction that we first hear the term "Shakeovers." Sigh. I mean, theoretically it's better than Ty-overs, right? And at least Ms. Banks isn't shrieking in the corner while dressed like a princess or evil witch or something? But does it make anyone else want Shake 'N Bake chicken? Sally Hershberger herself makes an appearance and tells the girls that they're going to go beyond what they've ever done. Like get an $800 haircut for free! Sally has this curly hair that makes her look kind of soccer mom-ish. It's very disconcerting. And another thing! Is Shear Genius ever coming back on TV?

But I digress. Annaliese reminds us that the girls are getting Shakeovers rather than ordinary old makeovers, and says that they're talking fierce, fabulous, and freaky-deaky hair. "Freaky-deaky" is tied with "truculent" as my favorite word, so Annaliese gets 20,000 bonus Potes Points. We do see some freaky-deaky pink and purple hair dye being bandied about. Laura is first to learn that she's going to have red, blonde and blue hair. She's cool with that. Sophie is very excited that she's getting cotton candy pink, and thinks that it will be both editorial and commercially viable. Azmarie, of course, already has a shaved head. You think she'd be safe from anything too idiotic, right? But you underestimate Tyra Banks! Celebrity hair stylist Neeko bursts on the scene and proceeds to shave "ANTM" into the back of Azmarie's skull. How versatile! Azmarie's shave is done right quick, and so she gets to play salon assistant/seductress and shampoo some lovely lady heads. Mariah practically purrs when Azmarie shampoos her, then cops to the fact that Azmarie has made her bi-curious. Seriously, she should be a lesbian recruiter. She'd make millions on commission.

Then there's Louise. She's getting treatment from Sally herself, which you'd think would be a big deal. Her new hair is labeled as "beige blunt cut." What... exactly... is beige hair? Beige is a color for walls and old lady pantyhose. But putting this issue aside, Sally says that they're going to shorten Louise's hair and make it more modern. Louise sticks her finger in her mouth and starts to look panicked. She says that she's a full time model, and doesn't want her hair cut or dyed dark brown because it will take forever and her agency will be unhappy. Louise continues to stick her finger in her mouth and says, "That don't make no sense to me." Sally tells us that Louise needs to get a reality check. Also some anti-depressants, I'd say. Sally works with the best models in the world, and they never give her lip. Nor, probably, snarl, which is Louise's specialty. Louise complains that Sally didn't give her time enough to think about whether she wanted short hair. It is kind of cute how she thinks she has any say in the matter. Sally just lops it off as Louise pouts. Meanwhile, Seymone is perfectly happy with her boobage-length weave and also thinks Louise needs to shut it.

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America's Next Top Model

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