America's Next Top Model
Kris Jenner

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Enter the Haggis

The challenge begins, and we are awash in gagging sounds. On the subject of pig's feet, Alisha tells us that you might as well chop off your own foot and eat it, given what pigs walk around in all day. Sophie says that US local food is disgusting, while eating an ear of corn. Okay that's madness because corn on the cob is delicious. Somebody show her how to slather butter and salt on that shit! Eboni feels similarly about the British food as she licks a giant glob of Marmite off of a plate. Aren't you supposed to put that on toast? Sophie describes a giant plate of meaty something that sort of looks like pulled pork but I think is something much more foul as smelling like, "A sweaty fat man who'd, like, done a poo." That should be the tag line for this season. Top Model British Invasion: Like a sweaty fat man who'd done a poo. Alisha tells us that the American team made plus-sized Seymone be a tank for them. Sophie is similarly incredulous as she describes how Seymone demolished almost a whole thing of haggis. Sophie tries to do her a good turn by trying to tell her exactly what's in haggis, and that people have died from eating it. Cut to Seymone with her cheeks full like a chipmunk. The Brits add that Ashley is from Scotland and even she doesn't eat it. Seymone just keeps cramming it down, albeit with tears in her eyes. That has to be, like, three pounds of haggis. Thanks in great part to Seymone's efforts, the Americans win this completely useless and prize-free challenge. Celebrate good times, and then purge.

Later, Seymone's own teammates start to bust on her for scarfing down such a vast quantity of nastiness, and laugh that she liked it on the low and didn't want to share. Seymone is not feeling so well, and doesn't find the whole thing very funny at all. Candace just laughs in her face. Eboni confirms for us that Candace was just making a joke to make herself laugh, because obviously nobody wanted to eat the haggis. That... does not make it better. The two women yell at each other for a while, and Candace says that Seymone can go ahead and be mad, and Seymone madly yells, "I'm not mad!" This is a buffet of typical Top Model fare. For her part, Sophie is delighted that the Americans are tearing each other apart, and even does a little evil laugh. As Seymone crouches in front of the toilet, we head to commercials.

When we return, there is Tyra Mail: "Tomorrow's concept will have you feeling like a kid again. Fierce and love, Tyra." Ashley thinks that this is a challenge involving kids, which is great news for her because some kids like her. A ringing endorsement from the kid community! The next morning they head to Siren Studios where Jay Manuel greets them and says that because makeovers were difficult for some, he thought it would help them to meet the ultimate mom-ager. How fabulous would it have been if white Oprah Dina Lohan walked out? Instead, it is Kris Jenner, the woman responsible for unleashing the Kardashians out of her vagina and onto the world. This woman's fertile nature is the cause of the downfall of western civilization. Try and beat that! Kris reveals that today the girls will be posing as toddlers. It's one in a string of photo shoots over the years designed to embolden and empower young women, which have made Top Model the benchmark to which all modern feminism is compared. Kris will further ruin all the photos by being in them. Jay says that the vibe of the photos will be surreal, avant garde and a little sinister -- like the Kardashians meets The Addams Family. If you think you have to work to make the Kardashians creepier, then it's time to start worrying about your perspective.

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America's Next Top Model




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