America's Next Top Model
Kristin Cavallari

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Potes: A- | 28 USERS: A+
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Tooched by an Angel

Back at the house, there is Tyra Mail. Someone is going home. Angelea reminds us that there are twelve girls remaining, but only six are being judged. She's nervous, but ready to fight to the end. Lisa says that she would have loved to have an equally fearless partner, but that did not happen. Bianca's only excuse is, "My nerves is bad." I'm going to try that one. I think it actually might be true. Isis, meanwhile, is wearing a black, ballerina-ish dress with a funny little pinned on hat that looks like a singular cup from a padded bra. She says that she looks like Black Swan. Isis tells us that winning would allow her to push her brand, and start her fashion line. She came back because her destiny is to do something major. Meanwhile, Angelea complains that Nigel doesn't know who she is, and also gives confusing advice. The latter is definitely true. Angelea tells us that this is her life, and she's going to have a solid, stable future if she wins the season. Being a contestant on America's Next Top Model for the second time is an interesting path to stability. As we ruminate upon this and even feel a little sad, it's time for a commercial break.

When we return, it's panel time! In her ongoing tribute to Newsies, Tyra is wearing suspenders. There are prizes, there are judges. Andre Leon Talley still looks like he get lost en route to the wizard barbershop quartet auditions. Kristin Cavallari is the guest judge. Alexandria and Shannon are first to be evaluated. ALT says that their shot is very Lady Gaga, and also culturally exciting. Nigel notes that Shannon played the trustworthy partner in their photo, and that he would have liked to see a little more risk from her. Kristin would stop on the photo if she were flipping through a magazine. Tyra loves the photo too, and says that it's insane.

Angelea and Allison are up next. Nigel is excited to see their shot, but before he does, Angelea has a few words for him. She brings up his critique at the Extra challenge, and says that she's confused. She doesn't know if he wants her to be professional or silly. Nigel says that his advice to her is to know when to rein it in, but also know that her personality is what everyone wants to see. He felt that she was being too reserved at the challenge. So, really, she can be bank-like professional, while also dropping in some of her special Angelea flavorings. All of this talk about Angelea is too much for Tyra, who reminds everyone that she was parodied in a Saturday Night Live Top Model skit. Tyra claims to find it hilarious, as if we'd believe at this point that she has a sense of humor. But she says that Angelea can do the same thing that she does, which is to "mix it up" and sound like an idiot at all times. Angelea nods, I think because she is just tired of talking about it. They finally get to the picture, and ALT says that the whole challenge is dramatic and modern, and he feels like he's in a cinematic moment of something wonderful. That is, in fact, true, since the all-star season of Top Model is something of a televisual pinnacle. ALT thinks that Allison looks a bit better than Angelea, and Tyra agrees. Tyra credits Allison's success to her booty tooch, then asks the girls if they know what a booty tooch is. Of course we do, you've been talking about it for like four fucking years. Nonetheless, Tyra explains that a booty tooch is when you tooch your booty. We then get a teeny little clip of Tyra's apparently forthcoming single, which goes, "Tooch tooch, tooch tooch." I know you're counting the minutes until that masterpiece drops. Meanwhile, I'm trying to decide if "tooch" is a lesser evil than "smize." It's a real Sophie's choice.

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America's Next Top Model

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