This episode, despite a plethora of guest stars, clearly belonged to one Miss Bianca Golden, hero to all mankind. We began with phone drama. Shannon devised a system by which the girls drew numbers from a hat to determine their order for phone calls, and decreed that each call would not exceed 20 minutes. Bianca, who was scheduled to be last and also can do math, pointed out in a perfectly calm manner that ten girls can't each make a 20-minute phone call in an hour and a half. And then Shannon totally started crying! Bianca dubbed her the Crying Christian, and basically was like, "Am I not already villain enough for you?" And then Lisa, Sheriff of Top Model Town, saw fit to butt in, which actually made Bianca mad. And when Bianca's mad, she throws off lines like, "You need to mind your business all the time." It's a win-win, really.
The girls headed to Santa Monica pier, where Miss J. awaited them in fishing garb. For their challenge, they had to model clothes from the Kardashian Kollection while walking on a runway that involved a carousel. Despite the gratuitous yet promising flashback to the swinging pendulum runway of yore, none of these bitches actually fell off of the merry-go-round. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we were royally cheated with that one. The Kardashians were there to judge and show off their voluminous leopard print. Bre and Lisa were named dual winners, and each won a head-to-toe look from the Kardashian Kollection. With a retail value of approximately $49.95, that's quite a prize.
After the challenge, Miss J. pulled Bianca aside and asked why she was so mad. She confessed her troubles, noting that she's been taking shit from both the Crying Christian and the diaper pisser for being too aggressive. In ironic response, this made her want to punch somebody. Bianca then talked about how she deserves to win more than the others, because she works so hard and is so tall and whatever. Though she hasn't said it aloud yet, I think it's implied that Bianca is not here to make friends. Shannon and Lisa started complaining about Bianca again, and Bianca had to repeat her instruction for Lisa to mind her own business. Back at the house, Bre eavesdropped on the others talking about how they want Bianca to leave if she can't handle the competition. She ran to Bianca (who was on the phone with her boyfriend, actually talking about how she wanted to leave the show) and told her that a bunch of bitches were in the kitchen forming a coalition against her. Happily, this made Bianca mad all over again and determined to fight.
The photo shoot had the girls portraying Michael Jackson throughout different points in his career. They were styled by MJ's personal stylist, Rushka, and LaToya was on hand to advise! Several of the girls were in blackface. I'm just saying. Bianca was great on set but had a suspiciously dull picture at panel. Lisa's photo was particularly hated by ALT, who could just sense that she banged her vadge at the conclusion of her leaping split. As guest judge, LaToya chose the entire order of photos from best to worst. She gave Laura the top photo prize, somewhat inexplicably, and Lisa and Angelea landed in the bottom two. But lest you underestimate LaToya, she is great and benevolent in all ways! No one went home! This would be exciting news if we hadn't just lost our best chance so far to get rid of Lisa.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We enter with the girls, and particularly Angelea, whooping it up in their post-elimination limo. Angelea, if you'll recall, had the week's best photo with her fur vest-wearing Buffalo socialite. Bre, however, being 26 and pensive, is much more somber. She says that they're getting rid of everybody who lingers in the bottom, and she's usually called second to last. It's making her nervous, which will probably make her even less fun. Having worked as a model for the last six years, Bre thought that she would have this competition in the Hermes bag. However, given that this competition has very little to do with modeling skills, that hasn't been the case. You'd think these ladies would be wiser about such things the second time around! Bre limply vows to step it up.
And then, like Maude, there's Lisa. In fact, I think Lisa's probably only a couple of years older than Maude was when she made her television debut! They also have in common their determination to be anything but tranquilizing. Lisa says that it sucks to be in the bottom two, and guesses that the other girls think she's going home soon. She reminds us that she's the crazy one, and we see her acting a fool in various contexts. One of those contexts is sitting on the bus with that pink knit bow in her hair. This is not the way to convince people that you're sober! However, she's not going to let go of this amazing opportunity to brand herself (as a lunatic!) on a higher level. She promises to make things explosive -- which is not language that should be used by anyone who has been known to soil an adult-sized diaper -- and warns us to hold on tight. With that, we head to credits.
The girls make it to their house and gaze upon Angelea's best of week photo. She says that it feels great to go from the bottom two to number one, and then proceeds to jump around and point at her picture long after everybody is gone. Bre slowly walks up to it and says that she feels like she's being bullied. Angelea says that girls SHOULD hate, because they underestimate her as being hood and not knowing her mannerisms. The genius of Angelea is that she has convinced me that she really meant to say "mannerisms." I guess in context it could be right? She screams, "Winning!" Angelea tells us that when she was on TV she was hot, but then after the show no major agency wanted to sign her. That's because Ford doesn't have a "character" division. At the end of the day, Angelea wants to love what she does, but also get paid. In that case, I suggest that she take her mannerisms back to the Buffalo Credit Union. But nay, Angelea feels like she's in the game now, and tells us that she's focused.
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