America's Next Top Model

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Another Day In Paradise

We are welcomed to judging with a photo of Tyra dressed as a homeless person, lying on her back with her legs up in the air against a backdrop of -- I shit you not -- cardboard boxes, while a sign reading "Will pose for change" leans against her. Oh, Tyra Banks. She's just like you and me, but she's clueless, she's clueless. And she stands there singing for money, "Shake ya body, shake ya body, shake ya body, shake ya body." The girls enter, and holla for cycle 10. There are prizes: a contract with Elite, a six-page spread and cover of Seventeen and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl. There are judges. Nigel and Miss Jay, of course, who has a vest with all of the girls' names. I would be more impressed if he ripped out his actual hair every time someone was eliminated. Tyra notes that one of the judging chairs is empty. They're in New York City, she says, and so it's time for new beginnings. This means there's a new judge. And of course it's Paulina Porizkova! She's in a long purple dress and looks pretty great. Let's hope that she lives up to her bluntly mean potential.

Tyra notes that the ladies portrayed homeless young women for their photo shoot. This is an issue very close to her heart, because about a year ago on The Tyra Banks Show, she was homeless for a day. Yes, homeless people of America, Tyra has walked a mile -- or, like, twenty feet -- in your raggedy-ass shoes with the soles flapping all around. It messed up her pedicure and everything. She's very brave. Tyra says she became "that person" that she ignores every single day, because that's what she was taught. Way to take ownership of your heartless bitchery, there. This week, says Tyra, the contestants brought light to a very important issue and should be proud of themselves. They'll never be as proud of themselves as Tyra is, that's for sure.

Lauren is up first before the panel. They note that she looks nervous, and Tyra even says she seems like she's about to pee in her pants. It's because she learned that's what homeless people do to stay warm! Taking it to heart, taking it to heart. Miss J. and Paulina both love the photo -- she's got the bones and an interesting face. What she also has, says Nigel, are nerves, which are terrifying to a client or photographer. Paulina tells him to cut Lauren some slack, and he berates her for being a new judge. She calls him an old judge. Er, good one? Janice would just have thrown her empty vodka bottle at him. Paulina still has a lot to learn. Then we have Anya. Tyra says that, if Anya continues in the competition, she's going to be very hard on her because Anya's so good. She adds that the other girls should be nervous about her. We can only pray that Anya makes it to one of the commercial shoots.

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America's Next Top Model

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