Union Jacked Up
Then, it's time for panel. Lisa is wearing a gorgeous dress, and the whole thing makes me wish that Tyra wore normal clothes once in a while. Sam tells the judges that she loves her hair. Her photo is awesome, too. Nina's photo isn't sensual enough and is too aggressive. She looks gross. Lianna also looks bad and bland, with no expression in her eyes. Paula tells Lianna that she had better cheer up, or she's going to get "b.f.h." A big fucking heave-ho? A bum fart heiney? Burned fingers on her hands? Paula thankfully clarifies that she means "bus fare home." Well, that's pretty unexciting considering the alternatives. I should note that Paula is totally the Janice Dickinson figure of the panel, what with her long struggle with drink and drugs, the fact that her biological father was killed with a pick axe handle (!), and the fact that she once turned up an hour late for a shoot in New York covered in oil and grime, and gave the excuse that she had been kidnapped the night before by two men in a limo but couldn't remember anything more. You have to admit that that's pretty bad-ass. It's no falling off of the runway and into Sophia Loren's lap, but it's somewhere on the continuum. Nina and Lianna are in the bottom two, with Nina getting the Big Fucking Heave-Ho, even though Lianna thought she was a goner. Nina tells us that she knows she's better than this, and thinks it's ridiculous that she's out second. She does have really cool hair. But, much like love, sometimes that just ain't enough.
Next, more swimsuits! The girls are shooting a perfume commercial that involves bikinis, boys, and speaking French. The girls have to go underwater and then emerge, saying, "I've waited all my life for you," first in English, then in French, and then kiss a dude. Lisa tells us that it's "an erotic pool shoot." I have to confess that I don't find pools erotic at all. I can't get over the chlorine stench. How is that supposed to make you feel sexy? Your eyes are all red and you have flashbacks to swimming lessons at the Y and the fear that you are, in fact, swimming amidst the urine of others. Which is a fear rooted in reality, quite frankly. Hott. Anyway, Abigail, the aforementioned "too much sex on a stick," dives right in and goes for the snogging full-force. Tamar, however, is a bit waterlogged. She coughs. Then bug-eyed Sam spits out water and resembles nothing so much as a crack whore. Who knows, maybe that's the look she's going for? When it's Lianna's turn, she confesses that the male model stuck his tongue in her mouth, and that it was horrible. Lianna, how are you going to be an officer of the law with an attitude like that? Albino Lucy looks hideous and gives the most chaste kiss known to man. She also looks like she has no teeth. Pretty. Casting director Beth Clarkham tells her that it was not good at all, and was totally unnatural. Lucy tells us that the whole thing was a nightmare and she hopes she'll never have to do that again. When it's time for the critique, Amber is told to never go for a commercial to do with swimming. Hee! Then casting director Beth tells Lucy that she doesn't know what she's doing there, and adds that she doesn't seem to be thinking about anything. Outside, Lucy and Amber comfort each other. Lucy actually says, "Give me a cuddle," and the two hug as soft music plays. Oooh la la! Maybe pools are romantic after all.