America's Next Top Model
Next Top Model: British Invasion, Part II

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British voice tells us that it's time for everyone to get introduced, and then get to work. And as it turns out, it is a different British voice than last time. Meet Lisa Snowdon, She Who Hath Banged George Clooney. I mean, you have to give it up to her for that. I think she's not quite as hot as Lisa Butcher, but what can you do? She has experienced L'Eau de Cloon. She is someone for us all to look up to. Lisa introduces the girls to the judges: former top model Paula Hamilton (what, Marie Helvin and Tom Selleck were reunited and it felt too good for her to come back for Season 2?) and Jonathan Phang, whom we've met before. The girls' first test promises to be "revealing." Yes, that's right, they're wearing underwear! In some sort of runway show with an actual audience in attendance. All right! The underwear is Jockey-esque, and most of the girls actually look somewhat okay. There is pixilated ass, which is the first indicator of quality programming. After they're done with the underwear, the girls get to model actual clothes. That's a novel idea. The clothes are kind of cute, too. Lisa tells us that the girls seemed pleased with themselves after the show, so it was time for a reality check, compliments of her and the other judges. Lisa tells Abigail that she was too much sex on a stick. Jonathan tells Asha that she made a huge dramatic gesture when she walked on the runway, but then didn't follow through with it. Which I think it was a good thing, because it looked stupid to begin with. Samantha has amazing eyes, says Paula, but overused them by looking all around. Lisa notes to the girls that it's not as easy as it looks, and they agree. It is then time for the girls to explore their glamorous new digs. Hey, treadmills! And alcohol! And bathrobes! And boxing gloves! I like the looks of this place. Sooner than you can say Camilla Parker Bowles, it's time for the girls' first photo shoot. They get to hit the slopes -- an indoor ski slope, that is -- where they suit up in bikinis. Stylist Hilary Alexander, who I totally want to have a beer with, by the way, is there to tell them that bikinis in the snow and fur coats when it's 35 degrees (Celsius!) in the shade -- that's fashion! She checks out Tamar's ass and notes that she's worried about Lianna because of her teeth. The photographer notes that her jaw is a problem as well. Lisa tells us that rule number one of a sexy bikini shoot is to be careful not to overdo it. With this, the photographer yells, "Don't open it so much!" to Abigail. I wish we could take up a world-wide collection to have him follow Britney Spears around and just yell that at her all day. Rule number two, which Yvette demonstrates, is that you have to be careful not to underdo it. The photographer thinks she looks like a frightened rabbit. In a bikini, next to a snowboard. That's something that I really don't want to ever see.

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America's Next Top Model

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