America's Next Top Model
Next Top Model: British Invasion, Part I

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Allo! Well, let me tell you how we know that this is no ordinary episode of Top Model. Okay, one, there's cheesy techno music. Well, no, okay, that's not really a sign, I guess. Two, there are some pretty homely-ass-looking ladies modeling poorly. But again, no, no, that sounds pretty familiar. Okay, a-ha! I know! It's the British accent! Yes, that's right, instead of the familiar dulcet tones of Miss Tyra Banks, we have a Brit telling us that it takes more than a pretty face to bring the world's latest designs to life on the runway or on the cover of a fashion magazine. Hey, ladies in their underwear! I like this already. Only a few very special girls have the right stuff. We won't be meeting any of them, but there you go. British voice tells us that when America's Next Top Model first searched for the next "it girl," what followed was a worldwide sensation. France, Germany, Russia, and many other countries now produce their own Top Model shows. This means two things. One, Tyra Banks is freaking loaded. Two, the appreciation of scantily clad women bitching at each other is something that transcends barriers of language and culture. Now, in Great Britain, after an exhaustive nationwide search, twelve girls who defy the stereotype of pasty skin and bad teeth have gotten the chance of a lifetime. British Voice tells us that their journey will not be easy. There will be joy and heartache, pleasure, and pain. And multiple uses of the word "snogging." It's like the Spice Girls, if there were twelve of them. Yaaaaaaaaaay! So grab some bangers and mash and enjoy the show! Okay, the first hilarious thing is that there is a modified version of the "na na na na na, you wanna be on top?" song, not sung by Tyra. Thank goodness. The second hilarious thing is that a photo of each girl is shown in the credits on a billboard, along with a name and a question mark, as if they didn't even bother to check if the girls' names are right. Their best guesses are: Tashi? Anne? Lucy? Shauna? Edwina? Marisa? Hayley? Stephanie? Naomi? Marina? Claire? And Jenilee? Okay, there's a contestant named "Edwina." I already like this show so much better than the regular old Top Model. As we begin the show, British voice reiterates that there were thousands of applicants for BNTM, but they only chose twelve finalists. These twelve wrangle their luggage at, like, the train station or bus stop. Because England's not that big! British Voice says that she brought the contestants from all over the country to London. And then, there is a double decker bus there to collect all the girls. We can only hope that Tom Jones will soon show up to serenade them. We meet Marina, from Cheshire. She's bubbly. I think her last name is Bucket or Blarket or maybe just Blarkey or something equally English-sounding. She says that this is the opportunity of a lifetime, and has a shirt that reads "born poser." Hey, I could think of a few folks who should get that as a Christmas present. Then there's Edwina, eighteen, from Bristol. She says that she can give Naomi Campbell a run for her money. Edwina was apparently Bristol's champion phone-thrower in 2005. Then there's Lucy from Newcastle, who says that modeling is what she sees herself doing, and that it's the only thing she wants to do. She is pretty, if potentially a bit boring. Then there's someone named Hayley, from Sussex. She believes she has the potential to go all the way, and apparently has a pair of underwear that she calls her "lucky pants." Wouldn't "lucky bloomers" be more English-sounding? She also appears to have a large, misshapen rack. I don't know what's up with that. Then there is Anne, from Sheffield, and Marisa from Surrey, the latter of whom has future ambitions of going into politics. And what better way to begin such a career than to appear on the inaugural season of Britain's Next Top Model! Tony Blair would have jumped at such an opportunity, had he been given the chance. Marisa says that she didn't come to the house to get into intellectual conversations; she came to get away from them. Well, at least she's a realist. Then there's Stephanie, twenty-two, from Birmingham. She wants to be a model because it's been her dream since she was a little girl. She wants to be on the cutting edge of fashion. There is also Naomi, twenty-two, from Leeds. She says that she's a very competitive person, and that this is going to test her limits. And really, it's amazing how you can instantly tell who the bitch is. Then there is Jenilee, from Kent. She sounds like a little British mouse from some cartoon. Like if they made a British Fievel. Or a mouse version of Eliza Doolittle. I can just hear her saying, "Well 'ello, guvnah, looks like oy cut me'self and 'ave to go to hospital." "Hospital" with a silent "h," that is. Then there is Tashi, twenty-four, from Leeds, who is dying to strut her stuff. She has a lot of stuff to strut, that's for sure. There's Claire, twenty, from Brigend, who thinks that modeling is her ticket to success. Not with those crazy bangs. Jesus. There is Shauna, twenty-three, from Derry. She has a Derry air about her. She just finished her Masters degree in international business. Holy crow! Go out and get a real job, then! Tyra Banks's influence on the world seriously pains me.

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America's Next Top Model

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