All star season! Yes, people, it's real. Tyra claims that she went through the sixteen (SIXTEEN! We're all so old.) previous cycles and brought back our favorites, which is NOT TRUE because there's no Leftover Lady Jade, nor Brandy, who was fond of making jokes to make herself laugh. Nor Shandi, who had seeeeeexxxxxx. Nor Amanda, who conceived her child exactly ten years from this past Sunday and is probably blind by now. Nor Toccara, who knew she'd walk away with this shit and so didn't even bother showing up.
Anyway, what we do have is 14 has-beens who are back in the running and vying for a $100,000 Cover Girl contract, a national campaign for Express, a spread in Vogue Italia, and a guest correspondent gig with Extra. Also, they get to work with Mario Lopez. I KNOW! And Miss LaToya herself. And Kathy Griffin! Okay, I'm legit excited about that. And Tyra promises to be extra insufferable, yay.
So, our all-stars are:
Angelea from Cycle 14, who is still ghetto and still cain't go back to buffalo.
Hick Laura from Cycle 13, who is adorable and always drunk. Still!
Bianca from Cycle 9, who beat the shit out of that girl from Hairspray when she tried to claim a seat in an airport that was already reserved for Bianca's luggage. She's with Ford, and also looks amazing. I'm sure Tracy Turnblad deserved it.
Lisa from Cycle 5, who was 400 years old back then, and so now is 406. You could put the ghost of Rue McClanahan in her stead and nobody would know the difference. And yes, she's the one who peed in a diaper.
Bre from Cycle 5, who wants you to STEP AWAY FROM HER GRANOLA BARS. Just so you know, she and Bianca are BFFs, or maybe BFFrenemies.
Brittany from Cycle 4, who is 70 (336 years younger than Lisa!) and was a big drunkerstein, and maybe has had plastic surgery.
Dominique from Cycle 10, who we all thought was maybe a man. She isn't, and has the baby to prove it.
Sheena from Cycle 11, who is still awesome and also still looks like a ho. The fake tits will do that, always.
Isis from Cycle 11, who has had her gender reassignment surgery and so now will not be afraid that her penis will fly out in the hot tub.
Kayla from Cycle 15, who used to have bright red hair and is famously a big lez.
Allison from Cycle 12, who has the giant eyes and loves blood and is doing art things and is the greatest!
Camille from Cycle 2, who looks surprisingly good for being 407 years old. Rest assured that her signature walk is still in tact.
Shannon from Cycle 1 -- Cycle 1! -- who is probably still a virgin, even though she's married. She looks amazing, too.
Fucking Alexandria from Cycle 16, who proves that Tyra is a sadist. I can't believe I have to look at her stupid face AGAIN.
So, after that everything is pretty much the famewhore-iest, which is the official theme of this season. Jay visits and tells the ladies that they're going to have their very first photo shoot straightaway in their backyard, in which they'll portray larger than life versions of their already outsized ANTM personas. Bianca gets into character by being a total stankface as soon as the hair people clip in red extensions. I didn't catch her persona, so I just assume it's "Stinkity Stank Stank Stunk." Please don't read that as an insult, though, I still think she's the greatest and should win. If Allison doesn't. I mean, look at her. Speaking of Allison, she's a quirky kewpie doll, while Bre is ghetto fab, Dominique is manly, Camille is a diva, and Kayla is the gayest. Brittany is a party girl, and looks more like J. Dick than ever. I actually think they should have let La Dickinson compete as an all-star. She would eat the shit out of Bre's granola bars, and also make everyone cry. As for the rest of the girls, Laura is a country cutie, Alexandria is a tough California girl, Isis is "confidence" (not, in fact, a persona!), Sheena is Harlem but not hoochie, Angelea is from the hood, and Lisa is a wild child.
And then there's Shannon. Her thing is that she's angelic, and wardrobe calls for her to put on some angel wings, a lace top, and some big old lace granny bloomers. But alas! Said granny bloomers are way too provocative for Shannon. Underthings are to be worn in the bedroom or under clothes only, she argues, and pushes to wear a bikini bottom that is literally one-fifth the size of the granny bloomers. Jay tries to point out to her that this is really stupid, but Shannon is determined to stick to her nonsensical morals. She cries about how the godly people are always pushed around.
Jay surprises the girls with the knowledge that they're going to have a live outdoor judging panel in front of a bunch of fans. Nicki Minaj is the guest judge. Tyra appears wearing a hat. I think we should start a rumor that she's going bald, and it's so bad that it even goes through the wig. Nigel is there with his godawful hair, and ALT appears looking like a wizard who's in a community theater production of The Music Man. After the girls appear one by one and get their critiques, Tyra lets them know that they'll be judged not only on their photos, but on their "personalities" and how they handled the crowd and whatnot. This is bad news for Alexandria, who was not only booed, but called a bitch by someone in the crowd. Okay, that was me. Whatever, she deserved it.
The judges' deliberation and elimination ceremony takes place in a private location, because if this show knows one thing it's the importance of situationally appropriate dignity. Isis gets best photo, while Alexandria and Brittany land in the bottom two. In Alexandria's case, she's in the bottom because people hate her. Brittany is there because no one apparently remembers her hilariously drunken ass. Her double chin probably doesn't help either. Tyra rationalizes that when you have people that love you and people that hate you, then you're a true star. Whatever helps you to sleep at night, Ty Ty Baby. She hands Alexandria a photo, and sends Brittany back to the bar.
Hello, everybody! The moment we've waited for has arrived! It's the hotly anticipated America's Next Top Model All-Star season! I was so busy forgetting who Dominique was that I didn't even have time to fret over how she's been doing over these long years. Now the prayers that I didn't even know I had have been answered! That's SO Tyra.
We begin by showcasing Tyra's true forte: ACTING! There's a picture of a little log cabin in the woods, lit by a full moon. To this I say: bitch, please. I picture Tyra living in an abode that is a giant, exact replica of her own head. The guest room is left top quadrant of the weave. An owl hoots -- or maybe that's the ghost of Naima? -- and we move inside. Tyra has apparently built a shoddy set inside of her log cabin, and this is where she has placed her bed. She is in yellow polka dot pajamas, with a matching eye mask, and it appears that she is dreaming. Suddenly to her left appears a bubble in which a be-sunglass-spectacled figure turns to her and says, "Tyra, Tyra! It's Camille from Cycle 2! You remember me and my signature walk -- the one that made me famous." The role of Camille is of course being played by none other than Tyra Banks, master thespian. Next, a figure with a floppy hat and southern accent appears below the sleeping Tyra. This is the ghost of Hick Laura, from the petite cycle, ALSO played by master thespian Tyra Banks! This portrayal is slightly less successful than that of Camille, because it's always the worst when Tyra does accents. It does appear that she's studied Hee-Haw in preparation for this role.
To Tyra's right appears Isis (played by...well, you know), who says, "Tyra, girl...now you know I'm an all-star because I got more woman inside me than all these bitches put together." Hear her roar! This takes me out of the scene a little bit, because I hope so very much that Isis is happy these days. And then above Tyra's head appears Tyra once again, wearing a long blonde weave. She is Allison from Cycle 12, who self-defines as, "The wide-eyed quirky girl that has an obsession with blood... especially yours." She has a nosebleed as she says this! That's Method. Also, if Allison is actually going for Tyra's blood this time around, I would like to send her a donation or contribute via Kickstarter. Then all of the all-stars start talking at once, and then they're actually there in the flesh, surrounding Tyra! They rip her to shreds and eat her flesh, zombie-like. Oh no, that was me dreaming. Instead, they hound her about why they qualify as all-stars. Note that Tyra didn't let D'Amato anywhere near even her fake bedroom. Ms. Banks wakes up with a start and cries that she'll do an All-Star cycle already -- she just wants these bitches to stop the psychological torture. Boy, do I know that feeling.