Hello, everybody! The moment we've waited for has arrived! It's the hotly anticipated America's Next Top Model All-Star season! I was so busy forgetting who Dominique was that I didn't even have time to fret over how she's been doing over these long years. Now the prayers that I didn't even know I had have been answered! That's SO Tyra.
We begin by showcasing Tyra's true forte: ACTING! There's a picture of a little log cabin in the woods, lit by a full moon. To this I say: bitch, please. I picture Tyra living in an abode that is a giant, exact replica of her own head. The guest room is left top quadrant of the weave. An owl hoots -- or maybe that's the ghost of Naima? -- and we move inside. Tyra has apparently built a shoddy set inside of her log cabin, and this is where she has placed her bed. She is in yellow polka dot pajamas, with a matching eye mask, and it appears that she is dreaming. Suddenly to her left appears a bubble in which a be-sunglass-spectacled figure turns to her and says, "Tyra, Tyra! It's Camille from Cycle 2! You remember me and my signature walk -- the one that made me famous." The role of Camille is of course being played by none other than Tyra Banks, master thespian. Next, a figure with a floppy hat and southern accent appears below the sleeping Tyra. This is the ghost of Hick Laura, from the petite cycle, ALSO played by master thespian Tyra Banks! This portrayal is slightly less successful than that of Camille, because it's always the worst when Tyra does accents. It does appear that she's studied Hee-Haw in preparation for this role.
To Tyra's right appears Isis (played by...well, you know), who says, "Tyra, girl...now you know I'm an all-star because I got more woman inside me than all these bitches put together." Hear her roar! This takes me out of the scene a little bit, because I hope so very much that Isis is happy these days. And then above Tyra's head appears Tyra once again, wearing a long blonde weave. She is Allison from Cycle 12, who self-defines as, "The wide-eyed quirky girl that has an obsession with blood... especially yours." She has a nosebleed as she says this! That's Method. Also, if Allison is actually going for Tyra's blood this time around, I would like to send her a donation or contribute via Kickstarter. Then all of the all-stars start talking at once, and then they're actually there in the flesh, surrounding Tyra! They rip her to shreds and eat her flesh, zombie-like. Oh no, that was me dreaming. Instead, they hound her about why they qualify as all-stars. Note that Tyra didn't let D'Amato anywhere near even her fake bedroom. Ms. Banks wakes up with a start and cries that she'll do an All-Star cycle already -- she just wants these bitches to stop the psychological torture. Boy, do I know that feeling.