America's Next Top Model
Nicki Minaj

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They're Baaaaaack

Bre comes out next, looking every bit the cool, casual girl in her loose blue pants and white tank top. She tells the panel that she's been working as a professional model for the last six years. If you check out her Wikipedia entry, you will be impressed. Nicki asks Bre why she cut her hair, and Bre says, "Because the check looked good enough." Now that is logic you just can't argue with. Nigel jokes that he grew his for the same reason, and adds that he's rocking an all-star weave. He's like a doddering old uncle now, isn't he? It must be something to be the Randy Jackson of America's Next Top Model. ALT is not in love with Bre's photo, and says that it's cliché and can be done by anyone. Nicki Minaj is still obsessed with Bre's hair, and says that if she's going to go short, she should also go sleek. Everything else, however, looks dope. Bre doesn't seem to have much reaction to anything, which leads me to believe that "because the check looked good enough" is the philosophy that has led her to be with us today.

Kayla is next, and announces to the crowd that in her photo she is portraying a supergay. ALT loves her face in the photo, but not the fist. He will have no fisting in his salon. Nicki loves Kayla's dress, shoes, and sexy legs, but nothing else. So, basically, good job wardrobe people and God. Better luck next time, Kayla. Standing on the runway, it must be said, Kayla looks some kind of gorgeous. Laura is up next, and emerges to the biggest reaction we've heard so far. This makes sense, as she is clearly uber-lovable in all of her drunken, cow-castrating glory. Tyra notes that Nicki is all about fashion, and suggests that she ask Laura about the origins of her outfit. Three words: Grandma Wanda Sue! Would you not give one arm for Wanda Sue to appear on Project Runway? I'd pair her with Bert for a challenge in which you have to make a three piece collection using only animal by-products. Nicki tells Grandma Wanda Sue to holla at the kid. She does not, however, put in any orders. Laura's fishing photo is the greatest. ALT tells her that she takes Hee-Haw and makes it high fashion. He also thinks that the House of Wanda Sue is rocking for her.

And that's everybody! The girls take another pass on the runway in front of the fans. Sadly, no one yells anything else mean to Alexandria. Everyone lines up, and Tyra announces that fourteen beautiful young (HAHAH) ladies are standing before her, and that for this cycle of America's Next Top Model they're looking for something extra special. And thus, not only photos but personalities are being judged, including how the girls worked the crowd, and how the crowd responded to them. Their potential to be America's Next Top Model All-Star will be taken into account, which means that they've already determined who the winner is, and these next twelve weeks will be an enjoyable exercise in futility. Tyra then says one of my favorite things she has ever uttered: "We will continue this judging... in private chambers." ALT starts to give the best reaction as soon as she says "chambers," but the shot is cut before we see the full extent of its conclusion.

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America's Next Top Model

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