America's Next Top Model
Nicki Minaj

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They're Baaaaaack

And then it all happens. Four words: Bianca "Stank" Golden, Cycle 9. Say what you will about this bitch: she looks fly. The LEGS, people. If Randy Jackson were here, he would point a lot and scream, "In it to win it!" Not everyone is as happy as I am to see Bianca. Angelea, for example, sort of rolls her eyes and tells us that Bianca is good at two things: being fake and running her mouth. She predicts that they will engage in some weave-pulling stankery before too long. Bianca has signed with Ford models, and tells us that she's here to show the world that she can brand herself and be a mogul. This is the girl who, like, punched out Tracy Turnblad's mom over some seats at the airport. She's already won.

And then there's Lisa "Depends" D'Amato, the Cycle 5 diaper-pisser, looking like the aged drag queen that she is. She's recorded an album and made porny white girl rap videos since we've seen her last. I think her rap star name should be "Methuselah." Against all odds, Lisa thinks very highly of herself. Bianca, however, hates her some Lisa. See, she's the voice of reason! Next, Bre "Nature Valley" Scullark from Cycle 5 enters. Bianca gets a weird look on her face, and Bre tells us that she wanted to "surprise" Bianca. Much like fellow mogul Oprah Winfrey, Bianca appears to hate surprises. As it turns out, Bre and Bianca are BFF(renemie)s, who bonded after their various Top Model cycles and even moved to Chicago together. Bre complains that she got no love from her best friend when she walked in the door, and Bianca replies that that's because her best friend didn't even know she was going to be there. Bre says that she just wanted to surprise Bianca, and then schoolmarms that Bianca can't just make scenes for no reason. She can, and she will, and that's why she's going to make it to the final three. They say that they're sisters and that this squabble is nothing. Let's hope that they're wrong about that.

And speaking of hot messes, it's Brittany "Drunkerstein" Brower from Cycle 4! Brittany was the Dickinson-esque party girl who got inappropriately drunk often enough for an ankle-turning stumble to be her signature walk. Boy, does she look surgified in her interview footage. Maybe it's the lighting? She tells us that her head is in much different place by now. Her hand, however, is still wrapped around a champagne flute. Brittany is very pretty, except when she's not. Next, it seems like Angelea walks in the door again, but nay! It's Dominique "Dude?" Reighard from Cycle 10. She apparently just had a baby. I think that's a ruse to throw us off the fact that she's a man. Kidding! She's all lady, except for the face. Dominique named her baby Bre, because of her hopes that her child will grow up to be a fierce protector of granola. Dominique reminds us that some people called her a tranny during her cycle. I wonder what jerks she could be talking about? Dominique apparently took some time off to raise a family, but now she's jumping back into her career full-force.

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America's Next Top Model

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