America's Next Top Model
Nicki Minaj

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They're Baaaaaack

Shannon walks out to Jay, who says that she's all angelic on top, but the bikini bottoms kind of throw it into Skankville. He notes that the outfit has bottoms to it, which are designed to cover her up more. MORE! Shannon says, "Yeah, it was lace. It looked like underwear." Jay points out that it looked like lace, because it was made of lace, but didn't look like underwear. Shannon gets upset, and tells us that Jay is always trying to get her to do something that she doesn't want to do. Sensible things, even, which are the worst things of all! Jay points out that the lace garment is in fact shorts, and seems confuzzled that Shannon would rather wear an itty bitty bikini bottom. Shannon is crying, and tells us that she has a great career and doesn't want to be pressured. Her agents in Chicago apparently honor her thrilling absence of logic, and Shannon tells us that she is who she is, and will always be that way, and would rather leave than compromise her nonsensical morals.

After a break, we rehash the scene, and Shannon tells Jay that what makes the bikini bottom okay is that it's a bathing suit, which you would wear to the beach, as opposed to underwear, which are only for her husband to see. Now, come on. You know those two crackers do it through a hole in the sheet. Jay points out to us what we already know -- that the bikini bottoms leave less to the imagination. He thinks that Shannon is still "confused." And also an idiot. With that, the shoot is over.

Jay gathers the girls to drop some knowledge. They're going to meet with the judges, who will critique their photos. But there's a twist. The judging will be at Nokia Plaza L.A. Live, in font of a ton of fans. Live public judging! It's sort of like a public execution, but with more swagger. And speaking of swagger, Nicki Minaj will be the guest judge! The fans file in, and the girls start to get nervous. The Jays greet the crowd, and Jay Manuel says that for this cycle they listened to the fans and brought back their all-time favorite cast members. Again: lies. He then introduces the woman who started it all, Miss Tyra Banks. She's wearing a Fozzie Bear hat, and looks shockingly non-glam. Her wig has split ends. I don't know how that happens. Tyra then introduces Nicki Minaj, who is apparently a huge Top Model fan. The regular old judges come out next. There's Nigel, who has hair again. It gives me the shivers. And of course there is Andre Leon Talley, who just came from auditions for an all-wizard production of The Music Man. I would actually pay at least $80 to see him sing "Marian the Librarian."

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America's Next Top Model

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