Tonight, on the BEST EVER OF ALL TIME episode of America's Next Top Model, the remaining six models posed in a giant salad. I shit you not, friends. But wait, let me back up. The girls first learned that they were heading to Greece, the 716 of the U.N., to live out their final all-star days. Once there, they met up with Miss J. and Vicky Kaya, the host of Greece's Next Top Model and were told to prepare for a press conference at their final destination on the Island of Crete. Each contestant got an info packet with some Greek facts and phrases, and the ladies were instructed to prepare a minute's worth of remarks. Laura, who has enough trouble with her native language, was concerned. The mayor of Crete and some other various dignitaries actually showed up to the press conference, which maybe explains why Greece is currently in such dire straits. Angelea seemed to have the challenge victory on lock, until she used her newfound knowledge of the Greek language to ask where the bathroom was. So instead, the ever eloquent Allison took home the prize of a fancy Greek corset bracelet.
Jay paid a visit to the models to tell them that they'll be collaborating with designer Michael Cinco to create their final runway gowns, which will have an "immortal goddess" theme. You may remember Michael Cinco from the garbage dump shoot last season. He may also be Michael Jackson, embalmed. Dress ideas ranged from Angelea's "Greek Grace Jones" to Laura's "Goddess of Birthed Calves and Wheat." This is when we need to start lobbying for Laura to make the final two.
And then, it all happened. The girls learned that for their photo shoot they would be modeling underwear whilst in a GIANT GREEK SALAD. They were shot by famed photographer Nikos Papadopoulos, lesser known adoptive brother of Webster. People, there were so many carafes of olive oil poured on so many lady parts. Laura poured it on her face. HER FACE!!!!! Jay almost had my favorite quote when he told Dominique to work her salad, but then he trumped himself with this little gem: "It's okay to spread your legs, it won't look raunchy. I wouldn't put a block of cheese between your legs. It's not the most flattering." I mean, the whole thing is amazing. Can you imagine how these people must have smelled of feta for days? And then of course there's Shannon, who declined to participate in the shoot altogether because of her strong moral stance against posing in giant salad bowls. Way to stick up for what you believe in, lady!
Judging can really be summed up by this comment from Andre Leon Talley: "This could be Helen of Troy… in a Greek salad." Dominique's photo was the best of the week, while Laura and Shannon landed in the bottom two. And of course it was Shannon who went home. Tyra claimed it was because she hadn't ever had best photo or won a challenge, but really it was because she's an idiot.
We enter on the bus, post-elimination. It's totally sunny outside, even though I always assumed those things happened at night. That's probably because of the heightened sense of drama, and also because it's dark when I watch them happen. But I know windowless hotel conference rooms well, and their distinct ability to make you feel like you've entered a sunless, air-controlled purgatory. Laura says, "And then there were six." This is actually helpful, because, speaking of purgatory, I always feel like this show doesn't have an end date. It does, and it's kind of soon! Merry Christmas, Potes. The girls congratulate Angelea for emerging phoenix-like from the bottom two yet again. Angelea is disappointed at her near-constant bottom positioning, because she's actually taking this shit seriously.
Angelea then graciously congratulates Allison, whose video was named the best last week. Allison, in an interview that's clearly from the beginning of the season given the giant rag atop her head to cover up her makeover hair, says that she's feeling great and confident. Even though she can't compete with loud, strong personalities, she knows that she's capable. "Capable," like "competent" and "proficient," really seem like non-compliments until you realize just how many people are unable to meet even the lowest standards. Speaking of proficient, Shannon points out that she's the only model to have gotten best photo exactly zero times. She confessionalizes that she's very focused on this competition, and that she's gotten thousands of emails from girls who say that she's their role model. Refusing to model in underwear is not just for her, you cynics. It's for the children.
The girls head out to lunch, and make a toast to such a beautiful day. Dominique reminds us that she has two adorable girls at home, and she misses them terribly. However, they're providing her with even more motivation and inspiration to keep going and subject herself to being a life-sized crouton. (Spoiler.) And then, in a very interesting interview, Angelea tells us that she wants to like Dominique, but Dominique is an actress. An actress playing the part of an excessively boring person, I may add. Angelea adds, "You're not a positive Patty all the time. You have issues too." Back at lunch, Dominique proposes saying grace, and Angelea gives her a touch of the stinkeye. She tells us that Dominqiue is fake, and is trying to be something that she's not. Angelea wonders if she'll crack and show the true Dominqiue. I certainly hope so, as it would at least justify her presence on this show. Seriously, can you believe she's still here? Final six! I thought she'd be one of the first three out who were cast just to get cut. Seeing her whip out some stank and/or emotional trauma would actually be a relief.