America's Next Top Model
Nikos Papadopoulos

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Work Your Salad

The girls return home, where Allison's video is playing on a loop. Lisa takes a sip of Haterade and interviews that even though Allison is unique, she's not everything that the judges are looking for in an all-star. It will not surprise you to learn that Lisa, herself, thinks that she has the whole package, and is ready for her career to skyrocket to a whole new level. "Career." I mean, her career is this video and Celebrity Rehab. Basically, a swift shove from behind would allow it to skyrocket.

We see a figure in a wizard's cloak knocking on the door. Yes, it is Andre Leon Talley, once again wearing his "just in from the rice fields" Chinese farmer hat. If this were Halloween he would definitely be racist. As it is just a normal day, I find it simply confusing. Andre says that he's there to give the girls some all-star treatment in an otherwise rough competition, and has brought them some dinner. He calls in his waiters, who are clearly unemployed actors. They do a little dance, then one bumps into the other and drops his stack of plates, and then they have a fake-argument and smash all their dishes to the floor. ALT proclaims it gauche behavior, but adds that there's a country in the world where gauche behavior is a tradition. It's Greece, where they're all headed! Confetti rains down, as well as a big banner, and then everyone smashes plates before thoughtfully discussing the debt crisis and its implications for international economics. Haha, just kidding, they throw more plates and dance around with people in togas.

Angelea is very excited, as she's a Greek mythology (or, as she calls it, "history") buff. Laura exclaims that she's never been overseas. Is that true? Even in her own season? And thanks, Wikipedia, for confirming that the ladies of Cycle 13 actually went to Hawaii for their destination episodes. Remember when the final six would go to Paris or someplace where actual modeling happens, as opposed to lovely vacation destinations? Anyway, Laura thinks she can win this fucker, because her personality makes her appear tall. Or something. The girls munch on hummus and grape leaves and olives, ALT tells them to get packing, and we head to the opening credits.

Post-credits, the girls scurry out of the house with their luggage, and take a little animated plane to Athens. The journey goes so much faster when you are part of an illustration! Once they've landed, the girls meet up with Miss J., who is wearing... I don't even know anymore. He introduces them to Vicky Kaya, host of Greece's Next Top Model, and tells the ladies that their travels aren't over yet. The Greek National Tourism Organization has prepared a press conference at their final destination -- the island of Crete. This means that they'll have to prepare a one-minute speech on their next short flight. Vicky tells them that they must be fabulous. Should be pretty easy for an all-star, right? They're instructed to charm their hosts, and be larger than life. Lisa, who is basically wearing something out of a porn video (how do you travel in that?), is like, "I got this." The challenge winner will receive a gorgeous and very expensive piece of jewelry from a famous Greek jeweler. At this point even the famous Greek jewelers probably are just giving shit away. Sorry, Greece.

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America's Next Top Model




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