America's Next Top Model

Episode Report Card
Potes: B+ | 2 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
European Disunion

Tyra Mail! "Work it, sell it, own it. Love, Tyra." Before the girls can even speculate upon what awaits them, they enter a big pink building and are greeted by a familiar face. It is a bald man who says, "One of us is ordinary." Then another emerges from a curtain and says, "Two of us are extraordinary." Yes, friends, it's Ron and Richard Harris, the Aswirl Twins. Sam loves them and their big matching broaches. The Aswirl Twins are there to teach the girls how to work with accessories - gloves, scarves, hats and the like. Aswirl Twin One ties a blue scarf around his waist. That's a long scarf. Aswirl Twin Two says that a simple handbag is an item that can come alive through modeling. But hopefully not alive in the way that it eats your hand when you reach in to grab for lip gloss.

The girls take a turn at modeling with accessories. McKey does not know the proper way to rotate a stupid looking hat. Sheena thinks she can damn sure work a scarf, and we get no argument from the Aswirl Twins. Joslyn shows the versatility of her bag by turning it from a bag with a handle to a bag where the handle is hidden. Amazing! Marjorie wraps a skirt around herself in something of a clueless manner. Aswirl Twin Two shows her how to wrap the skirt in such a way that it's easy to get out of the skirt. This is a trick that's come in handy for him many a time. Europeans wrap their skirts in a completely different way, so Marjorie can't be blamed. Cultural tyranny!

The girls make their way to an area with a stage for their challenge. As music plays, a creature from my nightmares emerges. It is a person in a lime green bodysuit that covers even the face, wearing a purple dress, pearl necklace, and kicky hat. There is a TV screen immediately to the person's left, in which all human parts of the person disappear, making it look like the clothes are walking around by themselves, like in Bedknobs and Broomsticks. But it is not substitutiary locomotion that's making the clothes dance - it's James St. James, self-proclaimed freakshow author and fashion provocateur. I wonder what the starting salary for a freakshow author and fashion provocateur is. Sheena explains to us that James St. James is out of the box. It was a sad day when someone removed that lid. James explains that the girls will be performing in an avant-garde fashion preview of Petro Zillia's invisible model collection. James introduces Nony Tochterman, the fashion designer for Petro Zillia. If you think this is confusing to read, you should get a look at this lady. It's like Woody Allen got caught in an explosion at the cotton candy factory. I can't be sure, but she may have a prosthetic forehead. Nony says that she spends a lot of time designing her pieces, and she wants them to look a certain way when they're showcased. Mostly, she doesn't want models to eff them up, which is why the girls will be invisible! Except for their bright green bodysuits, you'll hardly be able to see them at all. Nony will be in the audience watching to see who makes her clothing the star of the night.

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America's Next Top Model

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