America's Next Top Model

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Calling All Angels
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously on ANTM: Tyra's fabulous fourteen finalists moved into some fierce oceanfront property in Venice Beach. The girls had to walk on a runway suspended four flights in the air. The audience clearly couldn't see any of the actual Diane Von Furstenberg clothes, but hopefully at least got some good upskirt views. The girls sported bullying-related body paint at their photo shoot, and Terra's nerves landed her in the bottom two. However it was too-thin Anamaria who got her bony butt booted. Thirteen bitches remain!

The girls return to their oceanfront abode after panel and see Ann's best-of-week photo displayed digitally, along with the words "lovely," "aristocratic Amazon" and "gentleness." Ann is glowing with pride, and says that she feels special. Nobody paid attention to her at home, but now she's getting plenty of attention from the best of the best people. Well, the best of the best of the worst people, really. Ann is such a sweet sad-sack that no one can even be mad at her for feeling proud. It also helps that she's more gobsmacked than gloating. Lexie tells us that Ann is killing the competition right now, because her quirky, different look is exactly what the high fashion world wants. Lexie says that she's a competitive person, but for now is going to focus on herself and what she can do. What this has to do with modeling is anybody's guess.

Sara shows off pictures of her son, Kayden, who's 18 months old. She says that leaving him was really hard, because it seemed like he knew what was happening when she was packing her bags. Of course he did! Even my cat knows what's up when I get out the suitcase, which I think is why she insists on sitting in it and getting her hair all over everything I'm taking with me. There's nothing quite like having the appearance of a crazy cat lady at a work conference. Liz says that her daughter is with her every single day, and so she's worried that, being gone for two months, her daughter will consider herself abandoned. I mean, everybody needs something to talk about in therapy. It's fine. Liz says it'll be worth it. Welllllll.... We'll see about that. Sara tells us that she sucked ass in her photo shoot, and doesn't want to continue coming off like an average white girl. She wants to find and work her signature look. That look is "Claudia Schiffer," and she should just stick with it.

Meanwhile, Terra is still totally tweaked out. Being in the bottom two is the worst feeling ever, she says. Worse than having your legs blown off by a land mine? I mean, perspective, people. Terra doesn't want to be just a pretty face -- she wants to be the fierce face on Italian Vogue. She tells us that she's going to keep her promise that the previous panel was the last time Tyra will ever have to call her name last. This actually turns out to be true, albeit in a kind of tragic way.

Tyra, looking like she just stepped off the set of Newsies, surprises the girls at their house. There is much fanfare, and Tyra asks for a tour of the house. She tells the girls that the bedroom is just what a model's apartment really looks like. She is referring specifically to the close quarters of the twin beds, and mentions smelling the farts of others. This might be one of her bids for relatability, but all in all she just comes off as a gross fart sniffer. Maybe this is why she brings up the dookie-smelling face so often. Liz shows off a picture of her baby girl, and then it's time to get down to business.

Tyra sits the girls down and points them in the direction of a stack of portfolios. Before those portfolios are filled up with photos, she says, they have to make sure that the girls look high fashion. You know what that means -- makeovers! Tyra doesn't tell the girls specifically what's going to happen, but gives them hints. Kayla's hair needs to be "powerful, pizzaz, bright and fiery." Ann's makeover will be all about exaggeration. Kendal will get a heaping of sensuality and sexuality, which makes me believe that Tyra actually does know what irony is. Right now Liz has both long hair and no hair, and Tyra is going to make it one style. Tyra is going to focus on Kacey's eyes, and Sara will move away from her California bleach blonde look. Tyra loves Chelsey's teeth, and would actually like to exaggerate her gap, a la Lauren Hutton. Didn't they fill in Danielle's gap on season six? This show can't stop messing with bitches' teeth. Chris's braids will be a thing of the past, while Terra will get a makeover to frame her luscious (or lucious!) lips. Tyra tells the girls that they may cry or get emotional when they're in the hair chair, but it's all in an effort to make them more marketable. And also, when you're the constant complainer it's you who looks like the asshole, no matter how bad your hair actually is. Tyra comes out of retirement momentarily to strut the living room catwalk like they did it in 1991. If only Tyra would retire MORE.

And then, shenanigans! Lexie, Ann and Rhianna get out a spiral notebook, in which they list each of the girls' names and what their makeover will be. Or I should say, what their mock evil makeover will be. The document is entitled, "Hair Agenda," and our lovely pranksters leave it crumpled in a ball on the floor. Liz finds it and spreads the news quickly...to Lexie, Ann and Rhianna. Poor Liz. Lexie gave herself a strawberry blonde Afro on the Hair Agenda, which gives her the chance to test out her acting skills. She cries and appears deeply upset, and Ann and Rhianna waste no time in testing out their respective acting skills by comforting her. Liz, meanwhile, tells Kacey that she's in for a four-inch fade. Ann interviews with gleeful nervousness that the list was supposed to be a prank, but people started getting really freaked out by it. As Lexie cries and sobs, "I'm getting an Afro!" we head to commercials.

When we return, Terra is in the phone booth talking to her mom. Chris pops in to say hello as well. Terra interviews that she has an advantage in the competition since Chris is a connection to home, who knows and can help her. And vice versa. Terra starts crying on the phone, which prompts an interview from Chris noting that Terra had a meltdown at the last photo shoot. This makes Chris very nervous. She says that this is a competition, but at the same time she doesn't want to lose her sister so soon. Foreshadowing gets partial highlights.

The girls head to the Fred Segal salon, which will be home to tears, drama and also some awesomeness. Liz has worn a very spiky Mohawk for the occasion. Jay Manuel introduces salon owner Matthew Preece, who's in charge of the transformations. He talks up his team of stylists and promises all the girls that they're going to love their looks. Lies! At the end of the day there will be a quick photo shoot to see how well the girls embrace their new looks. Apparently people still believe the word of the makeover list, which is both desperate and sad. Lexie says that they're never going to tell anybody what they've done. Also lies!

The makeovers begin, and J. Alexander says that he's awaiting miracles. Ann tells us that she's getting a coppery color along with long extensions. When it's finished, Miss J. asks her if it's too much hair for her. Ann thinks that she can carry it. Keith Major photographs Ann in a swimsuit with her new hair, and loves her energy. Ann thinks that the hair exaggerates her height, and will make her stand out even more. It certainly is long. Liz is next, and since she's a list believer she's expecting shoulder-length hair. When the stylist starts cutting her hair, her heart drops to the floor like so many clippings. Chelsey deduces that somebody made up the list. The fact that the list has become such a substantial subplot in this episode makes me concerned that it's going to be a very boring season. Liz gets a very, very short cut and is clearly not happy. She says that she's masculine-looking enough, and this just adds to it. The Jays discern that she doesn't love her hair, and Liz admits that she doesn't,

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America's Next Top Model

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