America's Next Top Model

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Calling All Angels
well at all. I wonder what the guy who plays the pervy casting director is doing these days. When you look like a child molester you must really get typecast a lot. Anyway, Anne Menke is the photographer for the day. Jay introduces her as "a super talented female photographer." Do you think he still says "lady doctor"? Anne tells the girls that they'll be angels falling from the sky. To get the "falling from the sky" effect, they'll again be wearing harnesses (maybe the producers rented them for the whole month and want to get their money's worth?) attached to some sort of crazy rig.

It also happens that the fallen angels are fallen because they've fallen in love with mortal men. That's right -- boys! Hormones instantly rage, and the situation is not helped by a cadre of bare-chested young men who run out to greet the models. Chris actually exclaims, "Man meat! Yes!" Each model will be expressing some sort of particular emotion, which Jay says is key to the shoot. I certainly hope for Jane's sake that "big square head" counts as an emotion. The girls head to the hair, makeup and wardrobe trailer. Kayla shakes hands with one of the male models. She says that, as a lesbian, she was kind of nervous about the situation and wouldn't be happy with excessive touching or groping. In my experience, lesbians like plenty of excessive touching and groping. Kayla needs to get out of Illinois.

Esther is first on set, and chooses to be a fearless angel. Such a fearless angel might, for example, say, "Screw heaven, I'm going to have my fun!" Less orthodox by the minute, this one. Esther seems to manage her harness okay, but she doesn't quite look fearless and also has little connection with her male model companion. The photographer asks Esther to get up close and personal with her object of desire, but Esther thinks that he looks like a sexy version of Jesus and feels wrong looking into his eyes. Yes, she just said "sexy version of Jesus." Maybe when you're raised in a very religious community your sex fantasies take on a particularly uncomfortable bent.

Liz is next on set and her emotion is "power/victory." What does that even mean? They cut off Liz's brains with her hair! No wonder she was so upset. She looks a little gangly in the air, and Jay reminds her to go for grace. Liz interviews that the harness was very uncomfortable, like wearing a big metal Depends diaper. She also complains to the crew that her leg is throbbing. Jay tells us that Liz is becoming a pain in the butt, with all of her whinging and whining. She'd better watch that but quick.

Kayla is an evil angel, and though she isn't attracted to the male model she manages to work it. Jay is impressed. Her red hair is also working in her favor. Sara's emotion is "seductive." She tells us that it's very important for her to do well, since she's hanging at the bottom of the competition. She makes some awkward poses, and the photographer asks if that's what she does when she's seductive. In all fairness, she's probably not usually wearing a harness during sexy times. Or maybe she is. But probably not. Jay tells us that Sara didn't bring her A-game to set today, and in fact came off like kind of a dumb-ass. She goes from not relaxed enough to too relaxed, and overall it does not seem like a strong performance.

Meanwhile, Kacey is flirting her face off with her male model, who happens to be from her same hometown. Her emotion is "rebellious," and Jay notes that her hand was reaching perilously close to her model's package. She flips up and down and all around, and then runs after her model when the shoot is done. The other girls totally judge her ridiculousness, particularly given the fact that she's always talking about how she misses her boyfriend. Rhianna's emotion is "hopeless/sultry," which also makes no sense. We don't see much of her shoot, with the exception of Jay telling her that she looks elongated like an angel. In the end, she seems satisfied and is probably safe. Chelsey is a mysterious angel, and Anne screams that she was amazing.

Chris is up next. She acknowledges that she misses Terra, but she knew that sooner or later she'd be on her own. She's still planning on winning the competition, and takes great strides toward doing so with her portrayal of a heartbroken angel. Anne and Jay both love that she's become a soft, otherworldly feminine creature with feathers for eyebrows. Jane is a scorned angel, and gets brief but positive remarks. Kendal's emotion is desire, and Jay tells her that he doesn't believe her connection with the male model at all. She gets a little more up close and personal, which seems to improve things.

Ann awkwardly chats with her male model before her shoot, then interviews that she "hasn't really had much experience with dudes" and was kind of nervous. Once she actually stepped on set, however, she realized that hanging in a harness while touching said dude is all right after all. Jay and Anne hurl superlatives at her, even though I think she looks kind of crazy with her long limbs. Finally, Lexie is a predatorial angel. She puts her dirty foot all over her male model, of which Anne is not a fan. Jay tell us that every time Lexie steps on set she lets him down. Her foot gets super close to her male model's neck, which he does not seem thrilled about. Anne gets really direct and interviews, "Lexie, she probably shouldn't model to be honest. I think that her whole body is, like, not right for it." And with that confidence-crushing critique, it's a wrap!

Back at the house, the girls get Tyra Mail indicating that someone will soon get the boot. Chelsey says that everybody did pretty badly, so it's hard to say who will go home. A few of the girls complain about their male models while Kacey looks on skeptically. Sara tells us that her butt is not going home -- she's not about to let her family down by coming on this show and leaving her son for nothing. She knows she has what it takes. As Esther also expresses nerves, we head to commercials.

When we return, we get a moment of backstage pre-panel scenes, featuring ALT complimenting Tyra on her very 70's look. I cannot deny that she looks pretty fly. There are prizes, there are judges. Fashion visionary Patricia Field is the guest judge. She's pretty great, though she sounds and looks like she's been smoking four packs a day since she was a fetus. Before the critiques begin in earnest, Tyra compliments the girls on their new looks and asks if anybody knows anything about a fake makeover list. Nigel thinks the whole concept is brilliant, and Ann, Rhianna and Lexie cop to being the culprits. There are many cries of, "...Ann?" Lexie says that the whole thing was Ann's idea, and Ann looks devilishly pleased with herself.

Liz is first for evaluation. She explains that she was able to stand on her male model's shoulders due to a harness that was squeezing the mess out of her. Literally, the mess. Patricia doesn't think that her body shows power, though her face does. Tyra says that she's worn the types of harnesses that the girls used, and they kill. However, she can't tell that Liz is in pain. ALT delivers the non-compliment, "For you, I think it's a very good."

Chelsea is next, with her mysterious photo. ALT says that the mystery is on its way, if not there quite yet. He loves how her hand is clasping the male model behind his ear, and Tyra says that even though the male model is hot, Chelsey still steals the show. That's very good for anybody. Esther's fearless photo befuddles Nigel, who says that it looks more like a movie still, but a non-cinematic one. He adds that the male model is doing nothing, but looks genius. Making things worse, Esther's face was the same in every single shot, rendering her a virtual non-entity. That's not good news.

Jane is supposed to look like a scorned angel, but ALT thinks she looks more awkward and uncomfortable. Tyra says that this was the only remotely scorned shot, and it almost seemed like Jane didn't know what the word meant. Tyra always likes to get digs in at the Ivy Leaguers. Nigel doesn't un

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America's Next Top Model

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