America's Next Top Model

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Crouching Tyra, Hidden Drag Queen
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously: The girls collaborated on an "expressive" dance challenge where they were masked, and all looked 100% more attractive. As if having to do interpretive dance wasn't punishment enough, they were also forced to go to Vegas where they encountered a giant Canadian tie-dye snail mime and a ringmaster who looked like an even more undead Mr. Jay. Ashley had no fire and so got the boot. Eight bitches remain!

We enter with the girls in their giant limo, on the way home from panel. Laura and Sundai talk about how they'd like to see their actual best photos from the Cirque du Soleil shoot, as opposed to the still-good photo that was chosen because they had to cater to the worst model in the three-person shot. Sundai is particularly happy to know that it was Erin and Nicole who were the weak links in her shot. Not so happy about this is Nicole. We flash back to Tyra telling Nicole, who was nestled in the crotch of a Cirque acrobat, that she lost her magic. That's because Cirque acrobats get all their magic via a head-to-crotch transmission. Nicole was putting herself in danger of losing her powers without even knowing it! She's also worried that the judges think she has no personality. Technically, they just think she has the personality of a weird stoner. Where would they get that idea? Nicole is ready to prove that she's more than just a Bloody Eyeball anecdote.

Meanwhile Kara, who is scarfing down snacks and totally has crumbs on her face (or...wait, is that a mole?), speaks with her mouth full (gah) and tells the others that she's casting for America's Next Top Model: The Musical. Er, no comment. Rae auditions for the role of Laura, and sings in a Southern accent about making pinto beans and eating collard greens. Excellent food-related rhyme! Rae also sings, as Laura, that her boyfriend works on the railroad. All the livelong day? Is this a true fact? There's then a very bizarre interview with Laura, in which she has either been crying a whole bunch or got very drunk after having a bad chemical peel. She says in either drunk or distraught voice with her shiny red face that even though people see her as a small town girl, she's been out of the small town a whole bunch. Okay, then. I guess this has been our weekly reminder that Laura's a hopeless hick.

Tyra Mail! "How driven are you? We'll find out tomorrow. Love, Tyra." Laura, whose extreme happiness all these weeks possibly has just been inebriation, screams that they'll be driving bumper cars. Rae tells us that the girls are very confused, but have deduced that there must be a hidden meaning in this Tyra Mail. Meanwhile, Kara thinks that everyone should just vote Nicole off the island. Apparently, some others agree. Rae pipes in and says that Nicole doesn't simply have a lack of social skills, she has a lack of feeling and soul. They kind of make her sound like a sociopath. Kara adds that Nicole has the social graces of a fetus. This is my cue to jump in and add that I have always thought Leonardo DiCaprio looks like a fetus. It has nothing to do with the matter at hand, but I always like to run that one by people to see if they agree. Anyhoo, these girls are haters. Kara interviews that Nicole is like a monotone robot, and to boot she's really excelling in the competition and doing quite a bit better than Kara herself. Maybe it's because she's actually attractive and doesn't have a Simpsons mouth. Kara really bugs me.

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America's Next Top Model

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