America's Next Top Model

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Crouching Tyra, Hidden Drag Queen

Nicole is up first, and gets to choose her weapon. Jay notes that all of the weapons have different levels of difficulty. Do you get points for difficulty, like an Olympic gymnast? Because if not, I think you should go with something easy. So does Nicole, and she takes a simple sword. She tells us that she thought she'd have a better variety of poses available with one hand free. Martial arts instructor Deborah Chen teaches Nicole some sword moves. Nicole then goes up on the wires, and interviews that the harness was horrible. She says that her skin was oozing out of the sides. As she has no fat, this is probably the case. The harness is also giving her crotch-burn, which is to be expected. Now she'll have a firecrotch to compete with the best of them. As she lays flat in the air, Deborah tells Nicole that she might feel uncomfortable, but she looks bitchin'. That's totally radical, dude. Once Nicole has had enough practice, Jay introduces her to photographer Patricia Von Ah. That is the most bitchin' last name ever. Von Ah! Nicole does her shot on the ground first, and gets into character. She looks awesome. Once she's airbound she continues to do a great job. Jay tells us that she's at the top of her game this week, and that she makes you believe that she's both a martial artist and a dynamic model. Suck on that, haters: part deux.

Jennifer is up next, and chooses weapons that have both hooking and stabbing apparatuses. Where do you get those things? I'd like to have one around, just in case I need it someday. Jay loves Jennifer, and gives her tons of praise on her shoot. Because she sort of looks like she has a ninja robotic eye, and that's fierce. Erin is next, and Jay tells us that she worked it and was dynamic, all while looking like a magical flying elf. She's such a pill, but she looks great. Laura has "Get In Shape, Girl!" nunchucks, which she says will make her look long, lean and pretty. Indeed, they work for her on the ground, but she has some problems in the air. Once she gets it figured out, though, she's golden, and Jay gives her props for taking on one of the most difficult weapons. And can I just step back for a minute and ask what the fuck was up with "Get In Shape Girl"? You want to get in shape, girl? Join a softball team. No sneaker pom-poms required.

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America's Next Top Model

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