America's Next Top Model
Planes, Trains and Slow Automobiles

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5 A.M. in Amsterdam

Previously on ANTM: The great European versus American model wars! We were all the winners. And Joslyn continued her downward spiral of suckage and was sent home, while the other girls were told to pack their bags because they're headed to Amsterdam! What's the Dutch word for "bitches"? Whatever it is, there are six of them left!

The models return home from panel and celebrate their impending trip to Amsterdam. Elina tells us that being in the bottom two was scary, and that in that situation you really can't think of anything else. I bet you can think a little bit about how you hate your mom, or how you would find pepperoni delicious if your morals were a bit more lax, or how hard it is to have been born in Europe and living in America with all its stupid, abundant self-confidence and self-help culture. Elina tells us that she didn't think she did all that badly, but no matter what she does she hears the word "control." We relive Tyra telling Elina to let go and Elina allowing one tear to slip through the plexiglass fortress she's built around her eyeballs. McKey tells us that there's a bit of a perception from certain parties in the house that Elina thinks she's smarter than everybody else. Elina knows, says McKey, that Sam and Sheena and herself would have preferred for Joslyn to stay and for Elina to go home. Them's the breaks, though. Out of nowhere McKey adds that she's decided she must get the number one picture, since she's sick of being in the middle. Well, I'd suggest that she stop being so mediocre, then.

Sam tells us that although she loves their house in L.A., they're going to Holland, so screw California. Now Sam will get to experience how it is to be the chipper oddball in the Land of the Dour. Sam is ready to have some bomb photo shoots in Holland. And with that, the little Top Model plane wings its way to Amsterdam! Sheena tells us, whom she collectively refers to as "guurrrrl," that she has no idea what's in store for her in Amsterdam. All she knows is that she started the competition being too sexy for her shirt, so she's learned to be more modelesque.

A sparkly pretty blonde lady meets the girls in the airport and speaks Dutch to them. Crickets chirp. The Dutch-speaking woman in question is Daphne Deckers, the host of Holland's Next Top Model. The girls all seem mildly impressed. Well, except for Marjorie who just looks vaguely anxious per usual. Daphne tells the girls that as top models they get to travel the world, and the ability to adapt to a new city can be the difference between success and failure. Thus, she's going to send the girls on a bit of an "educational journey" through the city, during which they will also find their new house. It's like The Amazing Race with fewer flags and fewer Phils (but just about as many assholes). Daphne tells the girls to pick a partner. While Marjorie and Analeigh make a beeline for each other and McKey and Sheena do the same, Sam and Elina realize that they have no choice but to grab on to each other and look like they're okay with it. Daphne tells the girls that the first team to finish all of their assigned tasks and get to their house first will share 50 extra frames at the next photo shoot. It is indeed a good prize. Sam interviews that while she and Elina aren't exactly on the same page, she doesn't care. Once they win the challenge Elina can go back to hating her, she says. Now that's the American way shining through! I'm humming "God Bless the U.S.A." under my breath as we speak, in support of Sam and her can-do spirit.

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America's Next Top Model

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