America's Next Top Model
Season 17, Highlights

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Leftover Ladies

The first photo shoot had the ladies becoming outsized versions of their original Top Model personas. We learn that Lisa stared at Sheena so much that Sheena asked if she was a lesbian. Lisa was merely a straight lady in awe of Sheena's hotness. Isis made the whole thing seem effortless by awkwardly throwing her leg up in the air, but Brittany struggled with embracing her old persona. Or she embraced her old persona too much. One of those things. After the shoot, the models had to endure a live judging surrounded by adoring and/or hostile fans. Brittany tried to endear herself to the crowd by being loud and drunk, with mixed results. Nicki Minaj proved to be quite a competent guest judge, and fans got to weigh in on who they did and did not like. Alexandria was shaken when someone yelled at her to fuck off, as if that doesn't happen twice a day, every day of her life, by friends and strangers alike. But it was Brittany who got eliminated for being memorably unmemorable. And all the face work, probably. It reminded everyone too much of Janice Dickinson.

After a break, we focus on Isis -- the only transgender contestant in the show's history. She apparently had to answer a lot of questions from the other girls. Angelea, for example asks if her stitches were dissolvable. They were. Kayla asks if Isis had "stereotypical 'gay sex'." What does that even mean? Bianca asks euphemistically, "How do you make THIS into THAT?" The answer: penile implant. Bianca interviews that, being with so many different girls in the house, the best thing that you can do is ask questions and not judge. To her credit, Isis is very patient with it all. The dirtier and nitty-grittier the question, the better. I don't know what exactly the question was, but Isis sprouts this gem in a bonus clip: "Of course I had an orgasm, girl!" And then there's something about a donut that you sit on. There is a lot going on in the life of Isis!

Next, the girls got a visit from tiny brand strategist Martin Lindstrom. He is to blame for much of what we have endured this season, as well as much of what we have endured from Tyra historically. Each girl got a brand word, and beat it to death for the weeks ahead. Bianca got "candid," and became emboldened. And to what purpose did she put her renewed candor? Yes, arguing with Camille about phone privileges. Bianca is so candid that she doesn't mind barging in on a person when said person has only been on the phone for eight minutes. Too bad, says candid Bianca. Your time is up! Bre finally has to tell Bianca to get the fuck away from the phone room door, I guess before she gets so candid that the glass spontaneously shatters. A house meeting was called, which Lisa kicked off with an enthusiastic, "Hear ye! Hear ye!" You know, something has happened over the course of this season where I actually just kind of like Lisa. I know I give her a hard time, but at the bottom of it she's just a girl trying to hustle. She also seems pretty smart. Maybe the holiday season has erased all of my vitriol, like the Grinch. I be like whoa at how my heart has grown three sizes.

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America's Next Top Model

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