America's Next Top Model
Season Finale

Episode Report Card
Potes: B- | 1 USERS: A+
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All Hail the Queen

It is the season finale! Hooray! After this we can all go back to doing whatever it is we do when we aren't watching grown-ass ladies wear fairy costumes inside of a life-sized perfume bottle. We're stopping, dropping and tooching our way to sweet freedom! But first, there is some business to take care of.

Last time, if you'll recall, British presenter slash model slash subject of Kelly Cutrone's nightmares Annaliese was eliminated, leaving us with our final two. Will our eventual winner be British model Sophie, the Oxford girl who was sort of gawky looking at one point in her life and also went through the near-unfathomable trial of WAITRESSING while trying to make it as a model? The horror! Can you believe the sheer amount of perseverance she must have had? Sophie impressed the judges with her catwalk, but Tyra claims that sometimes she struggled to stand out in her photos. I don't remember that as being true at all, but let's allow the show to create a narrative of strong walker versus strong poser. Can a Brit overcome the odds and win the title? I mean, yes, obviously, or why even have this stupid season?

OR is it possible that our winner will be Laura, the uninhibited, crazy girl from Scotia, New York? Laura talked about sex a lot, and also overcame a childhood full of stale-beer smell to rise to the forefront of the Top Model ranks. Laura zagged when the other models zigged, and was particularly zagalicious in her photographs. But will her questionable walk and wavering confidence affect her chances of winning? Only if she has a panic attack and passes out during her Cover Girl shoot. Um, spoiler alert. Tyra claims that this is going to be an unforgettable finale, which belies the fact that I am going to forget everything about it within, I'm guessing, a 48-hour window. You want memorable, you give me ghost brides.

We enter the episode with what is, in my personal opinion, the worst photo of Tyra Banks I've ever seen. And it's hanging on the walls of the model penthouse at the MGM Macau! She's, like, grimacing and pretending to play the American flag like a guitar. This episode was clearly edited by someone who hates her, which I'm guessing is all the editors. Sophie and Laura return home, very excited about being in the final two, and Sophie gazes upon her best-of-week photo displayed as digital art. The two finalists commence squealing and bouncing up and down and dancing, which they continue to do for much of this episode in lieu of having personalities. It's very strange. Sophie tells us that she's got the stronger walk, while Laura's got the stronger book, and there's no telling which way the competition will go. But Sophie's hair is freshly pinked, which seems to give her a bit of a confidence boost. Laura tells us that she never thought she'd do anything like this when she was younger, and gets to push herself further than she thought she could possibly go. She claims that if she wins, she can take the prizes and transform them into something that even Tyra didn't know was possible. Tell it to Saleisha.

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America's Next Top Model

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