America's Next Top Model

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Smile and Pose
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Previously on America's Next Top Model: A Cover Girl challenge had the girls "larger than life" on a Times Square jumbotron. In other words: my nightmares have been made real. Run for the hills! Tatianna won, because she acted the dumbest. Meanwhile, Anslee and Alasia had a fight over frozen vegetables, which no one had even used to spell out "respeito" on the kitchen counter. A vampire-themed photo shoot had gore galore, which continued as Simone got the boot. Nine bitches remain!

We begin at the house, where there's a mail call. Everyone is quite excited for letters from home. Anslee reads a letter from her daughters and breaks down in tears. It says, "Hey, mommy, I miss you and I ask about you every day. I love you." The "I ask about you every day" kills me. Like, "Um, hey dad. Do you know what happened to mom? No? Just thought I'd check again." Anslee, who is really just a fountain of drama, says that to be on the bottom and know you can lose everything is very hard. She's put her daughter through a lot of anxiety and hurt that is needless, since Anslee "might" not come home with anything. We see a photo of Anslee's daughter, who is super cute. Anslee feels like there's a part of her that's not there, and says it's the worst feeling in the world. I don't know, just one time I'd love to see someone on this show be like, "Woo! Am I glad to be away from that brat for a couple of weeks!" I think going on a reality show at that critical stage when your baby isn't sleeping through the night is actually an excellent strategy.

Meanwhile, Jessica likes to drink pickle juice. Tatianna thinks that's gross, and says that instead she really likes bodily functions. Jessica calls Tatianna a science geek. Tatianna interviews that she's going to school to become a coroner, and would actually like to be on the scene of the crime and determine a cause of death. She notes that being a coroner and being a model are basically mutually exclusive. She dropped out of school to be on the show, which tells us that she chose modeling and/or is hoping that Janice Dickinson is allowed to return to set with a machete. I just had a flash of a Tyra-in-a-futuristic-jumpsuit chalk outline, and I liked it.

Tyra Mail! "u don't need 2 b a scientist 2 b good at chemistry. Luv, Tyra." The girls arrive at Roosevelt Island, where Miss J. greets them. He notes that last week featured a photo shoot with a sexy vampire (aren't they all?), and that the girls need some help working with the opposite sex. There are a lot of campaigns featuring couples who look like they're about to bone each other right on top of a bottle of CK One. But surprise! Those couples aren't actually couples, but rather contracted individuals instructed to get sexified and coked to the gills to help in the process. So how do you create that instant chemistry so that it translates into a hot and steamy picture? According to Miss J., you break the ice. Say something funny! Ask the male model about himself! Try a knock-knock joke! Bust out your Bea Arthur impression! There's nothing like saying, "Stanley, take off that ridiculous toupee!" to someone you're about to straddle. Miss J. also recommends eye contact, even if the guy has cross-eyes. He gives sound advice in saying that you should follow the eye that doesn't move. Sometimes it takes a minute to figure out which one that is, though. Ultimately, you should make the guy feel comfortable, he says. Typical.

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America's Next Top Model

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