America's Next Top Model
The Girl Everyone Thinks Is A Backstabber

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Shut Up, Amanda

A beauty shot of Tyra behind a giant green leaf leads us to the judging panel. Tyra does her usual spiel, and Janice mouths the end of it with her, which is so funny. Oh, Janice! I have never needed you so much. Thank you, just for being you, and for bringing the world such joy. The girls get prizes: Ford Modeling Agency, Elle magazine, Cover Girl Cosmetics. Tyra introduces the "interesting, wacky, but highly intelligent judges." There's the usual crew -- Janice, Nigel, and gay Nolé with his queer little dog -- and special guest judge Danilo, Butt Pirate of Penzance. If you haven't seen the show, I really can't describe what Danilo looks like to you any better than that.

The Dowager Jay administers yet another makeup test. The girls have to use Cover Girl Cosmetics (yawn) to apply a "clean day" look to one side of their face, and a "night diva" look to the other, all in ten minutes. Man, I wish they had to make one side a man and one side a woman and then duet with themselves on "Endless Love." Now that would be a challenge. Whooping. Pandemonium.

"Kristi" is up first. Janice tells her she looks like Cousin It. Ha! Man, I love recapping the judging. I don't really have to make any jokes at all. If anyone tells you that Janice Dickinson has not improved the lives of others, you send them to me. Nolé likes "Kristi"'s bangs. Tyra explains that the girls will be judged not only on their pose, but also on the amount of retouching they needed. She tries to make "retouching" sound so mysterious, like none of we plebeians have ever heard of Photoshop. "Kristi's" photo is boring and she has dead eyes. Janice calls Eva "EVA DIVA!" The judges like her photo. Her un-retouched photo is a little rough, and Janice yells, "Help! Stop in the name of love!" Cassie's photo looks good, with the exception of her hand. Cassie barely needed any retouching. The judges are impressed by Jennipher's new look, but her photo is boring. Janice says that Jennipher has what it takes, but is not "bringing it."

And now, Amanda. As she walks forward, Janice goes "MANDY!" quite salaciously. Nolé says, "Where'd you come from, baby?" and freaking Amanda says, "Your dreams," and gives a really smug, coquettish look. Amanda? Shut up. Tyra says Amanda looks like "Annie Lennox meets Daryl Hannah from Splash. On behalf of Annie Lennox, I take offense. They ask how Amanda likes her new look, and she says as soon as she had the hair on she could "feel the sex." Just like she felt the sex on September 11. The judges jizz all over her photo. Janice says she could be on the cover of Danish Vogue. Nolé says she has made the transition from broken rag doll to queen. Her photo needed very little retouching. The judges actually give her a round of applause. Man, this is all she needs.

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America's Next Top Model

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