"Beauty in real life and beauty in the modeling industry are two totally different things," says inveterate juxtaposer and lover of all things dichotomy Tyra Banks "Street Writer" in her opening confessional. For one, beauty in real life is often allowed to come with a side of delicious rye toast. The Crazy 8's arrive at a big-ass makeup studio called the Lepine Salon, as Tyra continues to attend to her voice-over punditry, adding, "It was important for me to transform the girls from normal, everyday pretty girls on the street to high-fashion models." The Crazy 8's enter the salon, where they are met by Tyra, who stands aside Jay "I Ain't No Glamour Boy. I'm Fierce!" Manuel, who I'm shocked -- SHOCKED -- to see was a brunet in the first season. And I'm shocked not because of Jay's second-season dye job. After all, he would ride the color wheel to Candyland with Roy G. Biv traveling shotgun if it was done for the sake of high fashion. Rather, I'm shocked at seeing him as a brunet because seeing Jay with natural-colored hair reminds us that he's an actual human being and not some advanced polymer concoction engineered in a Sanrio lab who should have a star fall following him wherever he goes, including to his home where he lives with a giant bumblebee inside of a totally fabulous flower. Tyra introduces Jay on one side of her and Lepine owner Kim Lepine on the other, explaining to the girls that Jay is her personal makeup artist (and probably Kabbalah spiritual adviser), and that he's going to be doing the makeup and Kim's team will be dealing with the hair. Tyra tells the Crazy 8's that they're already "fierce," but that she's going to make them -- she snaps four times and makes a wacky face, her eyes radiating meaning where mere words cannot -- "fierce." Fierce to fierce they'll go, in a montage sure to be fierce with five snaps, a pirouette on the left foot, a jump up and down, and nine jars of applesauce. Don't know what that means? Well, y'all should see what I'm doing with my eyes.
Elyse, Tyra tells us, is going to be made into "a pixie." Ooooooh, tough one! While you're at it, why not give her really skinny arms and legs, and then for makeup why not rub in deep the mascara of intellectual superiority? See, because she's already kind of pixie-ish, so...ah, nobody listens.
Shannon, we're told, is going to be "bleached," and they might add hair extensions, too. Shannon claps with excitement, as I may be inclined to do as well if any of the "Make Mine Mauves" or "Rosy Rouges" in that makeup case came with a built-in "Nicole De-Twinifying Liquid" that rubs right in a disappears and reminds me which one is Shannon and which one is Nicole. Without her nose buried in either a bible or a BMX racer, I can't tell which is which on her own, bleached-out merits. And y'all are sure there's no one on this season whose name is Heather?