America's Next Top Model
The Girl Gets Rushed To The Emergency Room

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Makeover, Makeover, Makeover: The Makeover Episode

Slow fade up on the Implantotel, where we turn up in the bathroom to find Adrianne and Elyse, appropriately, talking shit. They speak of Katie's elimination last week, Adrianne lighting a cigarette and noting, "That is one person I did not expect to go, did you?" Elyse sucks on what looks like a piece of black shoelace licorice, nodding her head vigorously in reply primarily to burn off the one correlating calorie that she's recently allowed to enter her body, but also to confirm that yes, Elyse did know that Katie was going to be voted off because she's smart enough to fill out a med-school application which means she figured out Katie's impending ouster by using magic.

But Adrianne, for one (or lower, if she runs into trouble counting that high), had no idea, and we kick it to a confessional, where she continues on, "Last Judgment Day, it was really hard on me." She wears her camouflage headband -- oh, my god, where is Adrianne's HEAD? Oh, there it is -- because the whole world has to answer right now when I tell you once again who's bad. The whole outfit conspires to make her look, in fact, as if she's auditioning for the lead role in Last Judgment Day, the biopic story of Adrianne in which, for reasons of marble-mouthed vocal cadence and sheer width of shoulder blades, Adrianne would probably be played by Vin Diesel. Which makes Judi Dench be all, "Well, then, I guess that means I'm playing Elyse" before bidding "Cheerio" to her stately manor's manservants and packing a bag for L.A.

"I felt like I couldn't give it my best," Adrianne nasals nasally through her nose, as we flash back to another shot of Last Judgment Day to find Tyra (Halle Berry, natch) asking Adrianne if she was "present during her runway walk." Back in the confessional, Adrianne puts her arms around the back of her head as if to subtly suggest, "Hey, you boot these titties, it's your own ratings funeral, okay? Think about it" and admits to those who can still stand to listen, "The reality has finally hit me that there's [sic] gonna be eliminations." There are? Or, to use Adrianne's own dicey subject/verb agreement...there is? Well, I wish they'd thought to tell her before three weeks had passed. I could just see her wrangling with the rules on a show with actual rules where she had to do stuff besides smoking and eating low-fat cottage cheese, sitting in a confessional booth somewhere on the Equator drawling, "The reality has finally hit me that I totally don't understand the rules on The Mole. And did they have to confuse the issue even further by, totally weirdly adding the word 'Yucatan'? What's that mean, y'all?"

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America's Next Top Model

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