America's Next Top Model
The Girl Gets Rushed To The Emergency Room

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Makeover, Makeover, Makeover: The Makeover Episode

Elyse, Tyra tells us, is going to be made into "a pixie." Ooooooh, tough one! While you're at it, why not give her really skinny arms and legs, and then for makeup why not rub in deep the mascara of intellectual superiority? See, because she's already kind of pixie-ish, so...ah, nobody listens.

Shannon, we're told, is going to be "bleached," and they might add hair extensions, too. Shannon claps with excitement, as I may be inclined to do as well if any of the "Make Mine Mauves" or "Rosy Rouges" in that makeup case came with a built-in "Nicole De-Twinifying Liquid" that rubs right in a disappears and reminds me which one is Shannon and which one is Nicole. Without her nose buried in either a bible or a BMX racer, I can't tell which is which on her own, bleached-out merits. And y'all are sure there's no one on this season whose name is Heather?

Adrianne is getting a hair weave, which, she tells us in a confessional, makes her "so excited, because for so many years I have wanted to do this but I just simply do not have the funds." The producers cackle with delight and keep hurling coins at Adrianne's feet yelling various permutations of "Dance, bitch, dance" in hopes that this poor little poor girl characterization will continue unabated.

Robin, according to Tyra, has hair that is "way too dark," and Robin laughs in that incredulous way where your shoulders come forward and propel your head a quarter turn to the right as your rolling eyes try to decide whether this defensive dance move is a good idea by staring directly up at your brain for advice.

Kesse's hair is also too dark, and Tyra promises that, in addition to lightening it up, "We're also gonna give you old Tyra Banks hair from 1992." That's one way to ensure that your much younger doppelganger never gets to be as pretty as you: by bogging her down in outmoded styles that make her look like a cheap dime-store you of the past. I wouldn't wish anyone my personal style circa 1992, but it does totally give me an idea for a "You In '92" theme party for the next TWoP get-together. I'll bring the wine coolers bought with my totally fake ID! Boy, it's getting hot in here. Good thing I remembered to wear this Squeeze concert t-shirt underneath my mock turtleneck!

Tyra moves on to Nicole, telling her that they will be straightening her hair, as a voice-over confessional rises up to tell us, "I'm just not interested in straightening it." Ebony is a bit more sportsmanlike (sportswomanlike? Nah. "Man" just works better, for some reason) when Tyra tells her that they have to lose the one strand of hair she's got, which is a good call seeing that Ebony's chances of winning will be increased exponentially if that dang Snoopy stops interrupting her and asking for more food to nourish him in his long, hard slog against the Red Baron. That's right. I'm saying Ebony is a good man, Charlie Brown. Tyra gets to Giselle and discovers she has no more treats in her bag, regarding this ingénue with a mix of confusion and horror that asks, "...and you are?" Tyra asks, "What can we do with Giselle?" and Kim Lepine -- less the visionary and more the pragmatist -- responds, "That scraggly thing. Some of that has to go." In a voice-over, Giselle frets, "How come mine's not all figured out?" Because you're perfect just the way you are I'm sure, dear. Tyra bids the girls farewell and tells them all that she can't wait to see what they look like at the other end of the makeover. Tyra's eyes tell all, and right now they're telling Giselle, "Except for you. You're not working out. I'll be playing your part." And with just the use of her eyes, Tyra looks around the room and tells the story of the Hurricane.

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America's Next Top Model

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