America's Next Top Model
The Girl Gets Rushed To The Emergency Room

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Makeover, Makeover, Makeover: The Makeover Episode

Ebony finds the whole experience "frustrating," noting that "not everyone can cut your hair," adding that she plans on growing it back. The hell? Is she auditioning for the lead in The Emperor's New Haircut? Bald before. Bald now. It's like talking about a haircut with George Costanza. Shannon, meanwhile, had her hair straightened and looks exactly like Nicole. Again! C'mon, you guys. Seriously? A little help? Kesse is "pleased" with her new look, and Adrianne tells us that, though the installation of the hairweave was "painful," she asserts the fact that "I don't like to tell anyone that I'm going through pain." This totally reminds me of an interview I saw a few weeks ago where John McCain said that we'd pretty much lost the true meaning of the word "courageous" in this country.

"A diva is not a bad thing," Robin tells us. "I think a diva is a lady." And I think a turnip is the Prime Minister of Italy. Why not just say it and thus make it so! It's like playing with a four-year-old, where you go from running in a haunted forest to riding on a magic carpet to jumping on pillows to crying and back, inside of a minute. A diva is not a lady. A diva is a world-class bitch, at least on this show. Robin tells us that her new hair color is "not for [her]," noting that it's "the hair color from H-E-double-hockey sticks." Oh, you're twenty-seven. Just say "hell." It's where you're from, too, after all. Okay, who's up for a fun game of "Analogies"? Okay, I'll go first: diva is to turnip as lady is to ___________. I'll give you a hint: pizza.

Jay gives the girls a comprehensive makeup lesson, and Ebony shares with him that she is a makeup artist as well as a model, a delightful foreshadow that falls over Ebony and renders the lighting in that room just terrible. "The makeup artist is your last front to the world," Jay tells them, trumping up his actual job of "brush monkey" so much that he throws off the curve for the importance of all things great and small in the universe. After I finish cramming a box of Band-Aids that were running around my bathroom screaming, "We cure cancer! We cure cancer!" back into the medicine cabinet (damn you, Jay!), we return to find the ladies escaping from the Lepine Gallery, Elyse's hair perfectly tended to, scrunched underneath a dowdy chapeau.

Shut up, Ebony: "It is very upsetting to an African-American woman to go into a salon and have them do her hair incorrectly. It is very inappropriate! It doesn't make any sense to me!" In a confessional, Elyse notes that Ebony has a tendency to "get going and cannot stop," confiding, "It's a little weird." Ebony rants on that she could have gotten violent, but at this point Elyse and Nicole/Shannon (when I don't know which one it is, I shall refer to her as "Heather") start cracking up as Robin enacts her Christly will of peace on the earth and good will to men by standing in the kitchen and making faces behind Ebony's back. When Ebony storms out of the room, Robin whispers to best friend Elyse, "We know you're black. I'm black, too. I'm not happy with my hair. I look like, y'know, an albino prostitute." Elyse tells us that she didn't understand Robin's last comment, adding, "but then again, I'm not really familiar with prostitute trends." The camera instinctively turns toward Nicole, because the cameraman wants to be familiar with prostitute trends.

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America's Next Top Model

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