America's Next Top Model
The Girl Gets Rushed To The Emergency Room

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Makeover, Makeover, Makeover: The Makeover Episode

And now, the meanest thing you can do to a human being. As the sun cracks over New York City, personal trainer Jon Silverman -- who made the girls pay their pound of flesh by shouting out how many pounds of flesh they were a few weeks back -- surprises them in their bedrooms and tells them that they have fifteen minutes to prep themselves for a training class. Adrianne is psyched and Jon tells us she's in "phenomenal condition," telling the other girls that you have to be as "crazy" as Adrianne to really make your workout count. Robin strolls in some extreme amount of time later, much to the Jon's consternation. He takes her into some anterior chamber of some strange weight room I think is supposed to be in the hotel and makes hit sit up against the wall without a chair, yelling, "There's no reason to be late. Down. Lower!" She tells us that his approach to working out didn't "fly right" with her, and he complains similarly, taking her back into a corner and telling her that he doesn't think she's working hard enough. She runs off in tears as Adrianne voices over, "If I was a designer or a photographer, hell if I'd want to work with her" while the real Adrianne goes crazy on a pair of barbells she envisions are shaped like her poverty.

Beauty shots! Extreme beauty shots! WITH SNAKES! Tyra introduces the photographer, Troy Ward, who tells them how close the camera is going to be to their faces, noting, "It really comes from the eyes." Medic! The man is choking on a talking point! He tells them to welcome the models they'll be performing with, and two handlers carry giant snakes into the studio. True to form, most girls are squeamish and squicky about it, but Adrianne wastes no time telling everyone that she has a python at home, so she knows she has an advantage over the other girls. In exposure as well as sheer biology, I guess, as Robin takes this moment to editorialize, "I don't play with reptiles and, y'know, amphibians and all that." And I'll bet you one million god dollars that it's because of the Bible. Because of the stories of Adam and Even. And the amphibious newt who was their undoing. ["I hope she's not denigrating snake handlers, because they love Jesus too." -- Wing Chun] She doesn't like amphibians?

And she shows it! Tyra gives us a confessional in which she hopes to find girls who won't be making squeamish snake faces, and the next cut is, brilliantly, to Robin making that exact face. Robin calls on Jesus "I don't know how many times," which is why, like, all of Africa is "um, we're poor and hungry. Have you got any money and food?" and is totally ignored because of the part where He's comforting Robin. Elyse is made to look really pale and has a small white snake wrapped around her, and Tony Ward keeps calling her "ee-LEEZ," which is totally her haughty model name. Kesse has some big-ass snake around her neck, Ebony has some problems with her skin, Shannon looks better on camera than she does in person, Giselle is painted gold and it is hatefully ugly, Heather fears snakes and has the dead eyes, and Adrianne has a purple mask painted across her eyes that makes her look, in her own estimation, like "The Hamburglar." Okay, y'all. Adrianne is in because that is hilarious. If they're only keeping the plus-size model around so she can play Grimace, I say more credit is due to this show than I'd even thought to give it thus far. Tony tells us that, if he had to book one girl today, it would be Adrianne. It was the Hamburglar joke, wasn't it? That's what did it for me.

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America's Next Top Model

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