America's Next Top Model
America's Next Top Model

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Djb: A | 516 USERS: C+
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The Gospel According To Elyse

The producers ingeniously decide to taunt the girls with carbs, and we cut over to a post-catwalk meal at Front Street Pizza. Well, I stand corrected! They totally dragged them to Brooklyn after all! Hi, you guys! Hiii-iiiiiii! Come over any time. I am always, seriously, always here. Always. Adrianne tells us of Elyse, "She doesn't really eat as much as I would care for her to," as we spy Elyse eating oatmeal, while an apple and a lollipop sit close by. To which an increasingly meddled-with Elyse would probably finally snap and be inclined to respond, "Well, Adrianne doesn't really smoke as much as I would care for her to," pausing before smiling and adding, "because it means that she won't be dead as quickly as I would prefer her to be" before smashing the closest camera with one of her pointy shoulder blades and curling up to sleep in the private darkness of the nearest confessional.

Back at the No-Fat-otel, Nicole comments to Elyse that she was the only person J. didn't give any negative feedback to, but nevertheless Elyse is still going for the correlate in Non Sequitur Self-Deprecation. In a confessional, she tells us, "I think I performed really, really poorly, and I'm not used to being incapable at anything." Man, you'd think that of all the girls in the house, Elyse wouldn't be the one most comfortable in a space called a "confessional." As the girls stride up and down on the runway in the living room, she comes to a realization, "I do not have the will to walk on the catwalk like I give a damn. I don't want to be a model. I don't. I can't. Eliminate me." A beat. "Do it." No, Elyse! But you're so cuuuuuuute! There. You happy now?

"There's going to be a little challenge called X-treme Runway," J. tells the ladies the next day, exhausted as they are by their trip back to foreign parts called "Brooklyn." I have decided autonomously that when J. said the word "extreme," he intended it for it to be spelled "X-treme," because whenever J. talks he wants to spray it in yo face and slam it. And he wants to totally initial article seven. Anyway, said X-treme Runway will take the form of a totally legit-ass fashion show. Each of the girls has three looks they have to get into in the correct order, and the winner of the competition will get a totally freak-ass night in a recording studio with Wyclef Jean. One time? Two times! Okay, actually only one time.

America's Next Top Model

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