America's Next Top Model
The Girl Is Here To Win

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The Gospel According To Elyse

Not that her meltdown isn't absolutely fucking genius: "Adrianne, stop interrupting me. Stop quoting Jay and Silent Bob right in my ear. Robin, how [bleeped word, probably "god-love"]-ing dare you show me the 'foolish is the atheist' Bible verse this morning." But this is the best: "Giselle, you [bleep]-ing, worthless [bleep]. You are so wasteful, bitchy, stupid...you're worthless. Your parents must be ashamed of you." Brilliant! And I love "wasteful," like she totally hates Giselle because she doesn't recycle her plastics or something. More. I demand MORE! People...there IS MORE. "J..." Well, wasn't expecting this, but hey, as long as she's snarking on the girls in her life: "You offended me today." And then so many words are bleeped that I have no idea what she says about him. But if I had to guess, it really does sound like she called him a "shit slice." Whatever it is, it is definitely not a request to solicit career counseling advice from J.'s boyfriend. Who's totally, like, an acupuncturist or a life coach or something anyway, I'll bet. She ends on a high note: "Dammit. Let me [bleep]-ing die. You bitches." Cancel television forever. Its high-water mark has officially been reached.

Worthless, worthless Giselle, Nicole (who has no idea what a "Wyclef Jean" is anyway, and probably said more than once on the way over that she didn't know anything about French music), Adrianne, and Katie prep to go to see Wyclef, and Katie is all, "We were like, kinda the runners-up," even though Giselle just picked them so that's kind of not true. The four girls take off and Ebony immediately finds a piece of Tyra Mail. She yells from off-camera, "Girls! Emergency letter. Come and read it" in such a mangled edit cobbled from other statements that it's like that Simpsons I always talk about where the clock keeps changing behind Homer's head when he's talking about his babysitter's sweet, sweet can. Y'all. It's fine. Just let the show breeeeeeathe. The drama will come to you. Anyway, the rest of the girls come running, and Elyse, natch, cracks open the Tyra Mail! Tyra Mail! and starts reading it: "Ladies, you'll be undertaking your photo shoot with Stuff magazine..." But she's cut off by Shannon, who's been reading over her shoulder, who abruptly shouts, "7:30!" Elyse seethes and takes a reeeeeally long pause before starting again. Robin and Shannon run downstairs to the lobby to read the Tyra Mail to the other girls, which Ebony tells us in a confessional she would not have done. ["This is preposterous. She would have stolen the Tyra Mail and concealed its contents from like half the people in the competiton? Resulting in their not showing up for a challenge, due entirely to her sabotage? And...has she thought this through far enough to figure out that fucking up the process would have surely gotten her booted immediately? I mean, sure, it is a competition, and she doesn't actively have to offer to paint anyone's toenails or do their laundry in order to help them out, but explicitly hindering them most assuredly would have done her more harm than it would anyone else." -- Wing Chun] This looks like it's going to balloon into much more of an issue than it really is. The other ladies will be back home from their reward night with Wyclef well before 7:30 AM. The man simply isn't that smooth a talker.

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America's Next Top Model

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