America's Next Top Model
The Girl Is Here To Win

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The Gospel According To Elyse

Look, y'all. He's not. The four girls take a car to a music studio called Platinum Sound, where they meet Wyclef, star of that one Fugees album we totally all had in college and a lot of other amorphous hip-hop projects he's not ever becoming as famous for, ever, ever again. We cut immediately to a windowless, airless sound booth in the studio, where he has each of the four sing a note and hold a chord. And, okay, I don't mean to go all solfege on your asses here, but, here's what he does. He has Katie hold out a note that he calls "do," which is fine. But then -- THEN -- he piles onto it with Nicole's "re," but has her sing it a full major third higher. Now, if you know your Sound of Music like I do (shut up), you'll agree, no doubt, that "re" always follows "do" in an ascending scale. However, the reason for that is because Julie Andrews knows everything, so when she sings the scale, "do" and "re" are one whole step apart. "Mi," the next note up, is two whole steps from "do" (which can be any note in the scale as the first note). So, technically, Nicole should be singing the major third (which she does with full-throated confidence, to her credit) on "mi." And Adrianne, who warbles but lands on the fifth, should not be singing "mi," but instead should be singing...anyone? Anyone? Sol! That's right! Giselle doesn't land on a note or a syllable I can understand because Giselle is fucking useless.

"I feel so bad for the girls at home," Katie tells us, and we cut to Robin, Kesse, and Shannon looking through a copy of Stuff and having a non Wyclef-y time of it all. Elyse has leapt through a window and done herself forty-five stories' worth of in, but no one noticed because she only left a pinprick in the glass when she went through it because she's very, very small.

Wyclef is totally coming across like the guy who plays guitar, the guy that everyone in high school thought was dreamy, until he finally invites you over to his house on a night that his parents aren't going to be home, and all he does is...sit and play the guitar. Wyclef even writes a song, while the oxygen depletes in that tiny room like in that Alfred Hitchcock Presents with the jailed woman escaping in the coffin. He strums away and sings, "And it was on key, man, like the pretty face/ I see her saying 'Oh, my god,' so I got no time to waste." He then has them sing, "Do, re, mi," and this time they're part of the song and on the correct notes of the scale that represent "do," "re," and "mi." Good. Tonic note? Let's never fight again. Wyclef then adds, as part of the song, that they're kicking it in "Platinum Studio, Brooklyn." Even I don't travel interborough that many times in a day. That's why they look so tired. Until Wyclef breaks out the turntable and they do some serious dancing into the night, which Adrianne tells us was "frickin' cool." Back at home right afterward, Adrianne asks Ebony if they have to be somewhere at 7:30 AM, and Adrianne tells us in a confessional that Ebony wasn't going to tell her about it, which "would have completely ruined my chances." I still don't understand how. Which will bring us back to "do."

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America's Next Top Model

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