Oh my God, SHUT UP! No, no, not you. You keep screaming, "Oh my God, seriously?" with the rest of the world. So, okay, let me go back to the beginning. The Top Model finale remains mostly formulaic, with a few changes. Change #1: instead of filming a Cover Girl commercial and a Cover Girl ad, the final three contestants each film a My Life as a Cover Girl commercial and a Cover Girl ad. Change #2: the girls have to ad lib their lines in the commercial. This leads to predictably hilarious results for Natasha, who is amusingly incoherent on the best of days. Jaslene tries to fierce it up by throwing in a line in Spanish, and Renee scars her poor child for life. Again. The ads are all pretty good, though. And then, when Tyra had told us to expect the unexpected she totally meant it, because Renee, whom I had totally pegged as the winner, gets eliminated. Yes, this means that Jaslene and Natasha are in the final two. I like to be in America, okay by me in America, everywhere around the world, they're coming to America, etc. The land of opportunity never seemed so anorexic. So, Jaslene and Natasha get to stomp to the death in a final runway show for Australian designers Sass & Bide. Caridee is there. The theme is "evolution." So the girls have to start off walking like early man -- which, nobody ever looked that fierce in Clan Of The Cave Bear! And eventually they get more and more upright and less hairy. Except in the case of Jaslene. Natasha starts off strong and even manages to work it when her skirt falls off. However, she loses a little momentum at the end. Jaslene, on the other hand, starts off on the weaker side and gets better as the show progresses. And then, this thing happens that I don't even know how to describe. Okay, here goes: JASLENE WINS. And while I would never, ever have predicted that at the beginning of this season, or at the beginning of last season, or ever in the history of testosterone, good on her. In celebration, get your marshmallows ready for toasting, porque Paris quema.
Previously on ANTM: There were thirteen finalists, who were made to scream anytime they saw Tyra, walk though a crazy maze of lasers in bodysuits, dance with Aborigines, and participate in a Jays-led military style Fruit Camp. Some got to do pretty awesome stuff, while others threw hissy fits or got pushed in a pool by 50 Cent. But three bitches have outfierced the competition, and now one of them will be named America's Next Top Model. Tyra asks us a series of questions that go like this.
"Will it be Natasha, the Russian beauty and mom who started the competition knowing the least about modeling and was almost eliminated?" We see a photo of Natasha with her husband and child. Her daughter is adorable, and her husband looks less creepy than you might think. Not so their couch, unfortunately. Tyra continues that Natasha's optimistic attitude and ability to learn turned things around, and we witness her journey from clueless teacher's pet to silver-toothed hip-hop king. Tyra asks, "Natasha has improved the most, but is it enough to win?" Sadly, no. Tyra's questions almost seem sarcastic after you've watched the episode.
"Or will it be Jaslene, the Latin spitfire who didn't make the cut in Cycle 7?" And, oooh, All that old footage of Jaslene is really pretty scary. She's sort of normaled out over the course of this season, but it never hurts to look back at the freak she was. Tyra says that Jaslene proved to be a force to reckon with this time around and consistently took amazing photos, but the energetic personality that got her into the competition was fading away in front of the judges. "Can Jaslene find a way to embrace her personality without being over the top?" In other words, find a way to be a freak without being too much of a freak and you're in business. What this has to do with being a model, I can't tell you, but that's been sort of the leitmotif of this show from day one.
"Or will it be Renee, the stunning mother from Hawaii who kept her eye on the prize? She took amazing photos, but aggravated her competitors." We see footage of Renee having it out with Dionne, and then Jael. Oh, those were the times. I know I've complained about her a lot, but where would we have been this season without Renee? After being confronted, says Tyra, Renee eventually found a balance between her competitive and nurturing sides. I'm sorry, but what nurturing side? She just stopped being quite such a bitch, is all. Nigel makes a remark about Renee not being the youngest and freshest face on the block, and Tyra asks, "Will Renee find a way to retain her maternal glow while staying sexy and young?" And that is the weirdest, "Will she be America's Next Top Model?" question ever. I mean, what? This was the moment when I started to suspect just a little that Renee was toast.