America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model (Season 8)

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The Girl Who...Wait, Seriously?

Backstage, Natasha is having some problems getting her clothes off and on, and Jay has to send another girl out in her place. When she's finally ready, she heads out in a really pretty dress that, quite unfortunately, makes her look totally dumpy. Seriously, she looks short and squat and no-necked. And she has one dead arm, and one that's swinging like a pendulum. But no matter. Natasha still thinks she was the best out on the runway, and says that she doesn't have to scream and shout or cha-cha that she's the best. If she's confident in herself, people will know. Jaslene heads out, and she tells us that she brings fierceness to the runway, and Natasha doesn't. On this particular pass, she seems to have a point. She looks a lot sleeker, too, even if she's wearing parachute pants. All the models do a finale walk. This is also led by CariDee, who is seriously a terrible walker. Natasha looks a little tired and devoid of spunk, whereas Jaslene holds her head up high. At the end the girls pose on and around a bunch of ladders -- which, way to go for the expensive props, The CW. And with that, we are out.

There is much celebration backstage. Mr. Jay says that it's one of the craziest shows he's ever called, and Tyra comes back to congratulate the girls and tell them they worked it out. Natasha interviews that she thinks she rocked the runway show enough to win the competition. She adds that she's American, and her family is American, and by winning, she would be a role model to millions of girls who feel like strangers in this country, with its spacious skies and amber waves of grain. And now I ask that you excuse me for a moment. I need to go out and buy a little flag to put on the antenna of my car -- Today! Today! Today! -- and then I'll continue with the recap. Jaslene interviews that she's the Latin spice of the competition. She brings some flavor, and is the edgy girl. She says, "I'm not your girl next door, but I'm your girl down the block, in your hood." And now I ask that you excuse me for a moment again. I need to go out and buy The Club to put on the steering wheel of my car. But first I might have a tamale.

And then, we are at panel. Tyra is wearing...oh, God. It's like what Nell Carter would wear if she were a dominatrix. In heaven, of course, RIP. It is perhaps the most hideous and unflattering thing Tyra has even worn, which, given all those years shilling for Victoria's Secret, is really saying something. We all know that Tyra can look gorgeous. Why she chooses to do look gorgeous so rarely is a mystery for the ages. Jaslene and Natasha enter, both wearing lovely dresses. See! There are nice dresses out there, Tyra! Go buy one! I could not instantly tell who was going to win from their styling. Natasha's hair makes her look squatter than ever, but Jaslene's makeup looks like it came straight from the wax museum, so it's really a toss-up. And I know that a lot of people have said that Natasha looked as if she put on some weight. This might be true, and it's possible that she could use some good toning, but I think part of it is that anyone would look mammoth standing next to Jaslene. Plus, the neck. How could I not have noticed her lack of neck until now?

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America's Next Top Model

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