Tyra takes it upon herself to give us the 411 -- that's what she'd call it, and then if you had any questions she'd be all, "Pow! What? So? And?" -- on each of the girls as they walk. And what's weird is that she's wearing this ensemble of a brown leather jacket and a belle chapeau that she has worn in every single one of her confessionals for this entire season. And not to try and puncture the fourth wall of the genre and try and point out that, in fact, there may be some trick editing at work here, but I have a strange feeling about these Tyra confessionals. Like, that they were taped in one sitdown marathon to plug some holes in the script after the season was completed. Either that, or every time she came in for a rap session with the camera guys, she wore the exact same thing. Which one of those two options -- willful, prettified misdirection or wardrobe slumming -- best befits a top model? Before you answer, though, bear in mind that this show does air on UPN.
Anyway, here's what Tyra thinks about Elyse: "She is perfect for high fashion. But I don't know if Elyse really wants this enough. And girls that are ambivalent are usually not successful." Adrianne piles on to this argument from the safety of her confessional, corroborating, "She hates modeling. She hates doing everything we do. And yet she's the best at it." Man. Elyse is the unwilling antihero who resents the power her gift has bestowed upon her. She's like Spider-Model. But the second her bewildered aunt shows up and starts giving a rambling, Mr. Brady speech about heroism and pride, I'm effing totally out of here.
What say you, Tyra? As Shannon strides the hallway, Tyra tells us, "Shannon is all warm and fuzzy and all-American." Right. Got it. She's a camp counselor, Mary Poppins, perfect American nice girl. If she were a kid's show, she'd be The Teletubbies. If she were a Teletubby, she'd be the one that's not gay. "In order for her to be successful...she's gonna have to be more edgy." Okay. Maybe she'd be the one who'd be gay.
"Adrianne has come such a long way," we learn while she's walking the hallway. "But she's still so rough around the edges, and she needs a lot of polishing." How much more sense it makes when Adrianne's character is couched entirely in the language of caring for antique furniture. Her dull shine could be removed with a little Brasso applied with a soft cloth. Always work on a small area first in order to be sure the process is not damaging the surface.