America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model (Season 1)

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Adrianne Wins!

For her part, Shannon wants us to know, "I do miss Robin. She was sort of like my mother in the house." The kind of castrating, emotionally manipulating mother who makes her kids batshit crazy. Or gay. Kidding. KIDDING. We cut to a quick shot of Robin's elimination, where we can just barely make out Janice in deep focus, wearing the emotion of "Oh, fucking finally." Back at the I'm-All-Thatotel, Shannon continues on that maybe it's not all bad that Mother Superior jumped the gun, adding in a confessional, "I do feel comfortable with Elyse and Adrianne. They're fun. And now at least I can be a more outgoing in a way...I don't have to worry about being quiet all the time." During this confessional -- in fact, right on the word "outgoing" -- we're treated to a shot of Shannon sitting on her bed, rocking a wonk-ass pair of Groucho Marx sunglasses and dancing like it's for sale and the rent can be paid in Dork Bucks. I mean, seriously. Some people must really want to stay virgins.

Pack your bags, y'all, we're sitting 'round Milan. Chattin'. Just in case you weren't sure of each of the girl's personalities here in the waning seconds of the season, they'll sit around and remind you: the final three are Adrianne (tomboy from the tough part of the town), Shannon (Bible-banging virgin whom they're suddenly painting in a very positive light on account of oops she might win), and Elyse (hypereducated med-school hopeful whose biology lesson has already begun with the reverse peristalsis lesson that "finger goes down, food comes up). "I can't believe I'm in the final three," Shannon tells them, not bothering to sneeze because she doesn't need anyone to say "god bless" you because she's already blessed, y'all. Adrianne couches the same sentiment in very Adrianne-esque terms, adding, "All those people that told me that I wasn't gonna make it to the end can lick my [word, probably 'soap my mother should have washed my dirty dirty potty mouth out with,' deleted], because I'm still here." Shannon gives a round-up of their diverse physical types, saying she doesn't know what to think "because we're all, like, blonde hair, short hair, brown hair." Different. And yet. In so many ways...the same. Elyse adds to this that she doesn't want to "speculate" as to who might win, which makes Shannon think, "Oh, good, because my grandpappy speculated with a pig once and then he didn't come around again after that" because Shannon doesn't know what that word means.

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America's Next Top Model

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