America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model (Season 1)

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Adrianne Wins!

Tyra Banks "For The Memories" comes cabbage patching in just then, in skintight jeans and a matching jean jacket that are both like, "You wanna cover the midriff? Oh, you thought I was gonna cover the midriff? Because I thought you were gonna...oh, great, now she's naked on the TV." She offers an ill-advised opening statement, sweeping her arms around and asking, "Why's everybody matching? Like, red? And orange?" Adrianne is wearing red pajamas. Shannon is wearing a red sweatshirt. Elyse is wearing a windbreaker that is orange and grey in equal measure. Sure, they're not exactly bowing at the altar of Roy G. Biv at the moment, but neither are they dressed identically like the Von Trapps at concert time. Edit that down.

Tyra accessorizes in getting to the point, telling the girls, "What you guys are about to experience right now is the pinnacle of American fashion...New York Fashion Week is the top, the most amazing thing about American fashion. And we're gonna see if you guys have what it takes to be in a fashion show." She takes them to meet one Drew Linehan, a "fashion show producer," a job which requires in equal parts the skill to put his chin in his hands and shake it slowly in incredulous dismay, and to yell out the word "Ladies!" for no particular reason, sometimes even when he's alone. He shakes their hands and launches right in: "During Fashion Week, it's a really important time for your career." His speech is so evocative that it inspires the popping up of numerous shots of ostensibly famous models strutting down a runway at a Baby Phat fashion show. Wow. I wish I could do that. But as most of my stories revolve around how much work I should be doing and how much television I'm instead watching, most of the visuals would be of me glancing guiltily toward my computer while yet another episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force provided the only light in my apartment. And if the only result of my magic ability to create hologram depictions of my speech were making me look like Dagwood Bumstead just chillin' on the couch, perhaps this is a power I don't actually require.

Anyway, Drew continues on amidst the shots of pretty ladies, "The people in the front row are the most important people in fashion." Unless, of course, the UPN intervenes and those seats have been poached by the likes of Janice Dickinson and Kimora Lee Simmons. "It is a grueling three weeks. Your hair is being ripped out. Your feet are being shoved in shoes that don't fit." You'll be forced to lie in a giant pile of naked models! Electrical nodes are affixed to your implants and a couture hood placed over your head! Remember the scandal that ensued when the international Red Cross was forced to shut down that Valentino Black Label Collection show because of human rights violations? It was a dark day for modeling, my friends. A dark day for modeling.

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America's Next Top Model

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