It's the Top Model finale! And as it turns out, Tyra has been watching a lot of American Horror Story while also feeling "Ghost Brides" nostalgia. I mean, who isn't, really. But we'll get to all of that in a minute. First it's time to ask the obligatory question, "Who will become America's Next Top Horror Story?" Will it be Leila, the gap-toothed wonder who made the first ever Top Model comeback thanks to her high-fashion, fan-impressing look? Or will it be Laura, the "curvy" blonde bombshell trying to step out of the shadow of her marginally notable parents? Laura tells us that strong is the new sexy, and strong is the new skinny. I love how they make it out like she's some kind of genre-busting hoss. This is a very skinny girl! And body-wise, I can't believe she's "stronger" than Kiara, the sultry athlete with the hardscrabble past who is a real-ass bitch and probably the most interesting of these three all-around. Note that I didn't say the best model. These three will get to duke it out on the grounds of a haunted Jamaican mansion, for what is billed as a "terrifying runway finale like you've never seen before." Well, the terrifying part is true at least.
And oh my God, you guys. We start out with Tyra Banks addressing the camera directly in some sort of bejeweled bodysuit with an Elizabethan collar, and talking in a manner in which I suppose she believes ghosts talk. Seriously, what is up with her voice? The accent is vaguely that of a 1930s newsreel (but ghostlier), and her enunciation trumps even that of the typically over-enunciated "towards" in each week's elimination ceremony. I ask you this, seriously: What is wrong with her? We can also see her glancing to the cue cards at her right, which takes away a bit of the gravitas. Anyway, the story of Rose Hall Mansion: "the most famous...yet infamous...house in all of Jamaica." Legend has it, according to Tyra, that long ago the mistress of the house murdered husbands, lovers, and any woman whose smize rivaled her own. We see a flash of "pot ledom" written in red on a mirror, which I have to say is a nice touch. The real legend of Rose Hall is a bit more detailed and sinister, and worth a read on Wikipedia. Note that this lady was called the "White Witch," for obvious reasons. The legend involves voodoo, slaves, and ghost murders. And the White Witch herself only stood 4'8" tall, meaning she wouldn't have even had a chance on the short cycle! No wonder she was so murderous. Tyra instructs us to stay tuned for a creepy America's Next Top Model finale, as if this show is ever not creepy.