America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model

Episode Report Card
Potes: B+ | 1 USERS: C+
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Ghost Brides: Asylum

So, just to make a note up front, this episode is really bonkers. We start off with a full moon and grainy footage of a tomb and ghostly apparitions and, like, lightning. Did they think this was going to air on Halloween? There is a runway set up outside of Rose Hall, and a tiny little audience, and Tyra addresses the crowd in a Jamaican accent. No one seems scared yet. We see Laura's parents in the audience, and her mom totally has to elbow Jeff Colby to get him to applaud when Tyra speaks. We learn that this is going to be an exciting runway show that embraces all the beauty of Jamaica -- the people, the music, the murderous slave-owning ghosts. As a dance hall crew comes out to warm up the "crowd," we cut to the girls backstage in hair and makeup, three hours before the show begins. And I honestly have no idea why the bulk of this episode is presented in flashback. I think Tyra might be trying to give the impression that we are watching a live runway show, which we all know is not true.

Tyra throws it to special backstage correspondents Kelly Cutrone and Johnny Wujek, and poor Kelly has to act like she works for Entertainment Tonight and feign excitement about how crazy everything is. It's crazy! All so crazy! Kelly puts in a plug for Smashbox cosmetics, which is apparently makeup that causes you look like a ghost. Way to sell the wares of your sponsor, show! The winning model will get a campaign with Smashbox, which will entail being flown to L.A. and photographed by Davis Factor, co-founder of Smashbox and great-grandson of Max Factor. He also shot Tyra once, but not in a murderous ghost way. A bunch of the former contestants file in (sadly not including Victoria), and then last cycle's winner Sophie shows up. She'll be opening the show, and gives the models one word of advice: Don't fall over. We cut to Leila laughing and laughing, because she doesn't know she's just become the victim of a voodoo curse.

The former contestants give their endorsements. Nastasia is rooting for Kiara, who has improved a lot (true) and worked really hard (also true). Kiara says she doesn't just want the title of America's Next Top Model -- she needs it to prove to America and her grandparents and her mom that she can be a model. I would argue that winning the title of this show proves no such thing. Kristin is Team Laura, because she loves Laura (except for that time she said she could not give half a shit about any of the girls) and thinks she's the prettiest. Also she hates everyone else in the final three. Laura wants to make herself and her parents proud. She says that her parents didn't want her in the fashion industry, but it would mean the world to them if she won. Darian is in Leila's corner, and gives her kudos for being kicked out and coming back. Leila tells us that she's gone through so much in the competition -- more than any other girl -- and to be a finalist after being eliminated is crazy. Though don't you feel like they eliminated her just so somebody who was actually good could come back? There's nothing about this show that is not a ruse.

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America's Next Top Model

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