America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model

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Ghost Brides: Asylum

With that, we're back at the fashion show. The parents are backstage now, and Tyra pays a visit. She jokes with Leila's mom that she birthed a giant, then asks Leila if she's going to get her shaky walk together. Leila says yes, because this is when hope was still alive. Tyra has Leila's mom do a fierce walk, which is the cutest. And then Tyra meets Kiara's grandma, who is apparently a huge Tyra Banks fan. She speaks Spanish (although she also seems to speak English just fine), which gives Tyra a chance to bust out all she learned from Rosetta Stone and say in Spanish that Kiara is very strong. Grandma busts out with, "Sexy!" And then it's time for Tyra to meet Laura's parents. You KNOW Laura's mom was waiting to be asked to do her runway walk, being a former model and all. Tyra congratulates Jeff Colby and Mrs. Jeff Colby for passing on their showbiz genes to Laura, then warns Laura not to be too sexy on the runway. I feel like a face collar would be the ideal solution for that situation.

And then it's time for the show to begin! It starts with a short film, introduced by Tyra. In her newsreel voice, and with a crowd of ghost-masked folks behind her, she says, "Our three finalists are about to enter this ghostly abode. What fate beholds them?" I feel like maybe Victoria wrote the script for this? We then see Rob Evans enter the house, with Leila, Laura, and Kiara behind him. A voice whispers, "Come to me," and everyone looks around the abandoned haunted mansion with its ghostly lighting. The voice whispers again, and then Rob sees ghostly apparition Sophie, who is apparently playing the role of the White Witch. Given the context of slavery in the real legend, is anyone else uncomfortable with this? I mean, MORE uncomfortable with this? Rob lies down and falls asleep as ghost-Sophie strokes his cheek. Then she sees the three finalists just chatting away and looks awfully mad. A ghostly voice hisses, "He's mine!" And then there are screams. Rob wakes up and looks down the stairwell to find the three models dead. With them gone, ghost-Sophie has Rob all to herself. He seems okay with that. But then the models are apparently zombies? When is Bryanboy going to show up as a werewolf?

This whole thing was a build-up to Tyra, in a gilded-leaf face collar of her own, speaking perhaps the greatest sequence of words ever uttered on earth: "Within these walls the jealousy of the mistress has been awakened. So put on your masks to protect yourselves [???????]. Her anger has claimed the earthly lives of Leila, Kiara, and Laura. And now, their spirit-bodies must take to the runway to reclaim their mortal smizes, and fight for the title of...America's Next Top Model." A human being just said: "AND NOW THEIR SPIRIT-BODIES MUST TAKE TO THE RUNWAY TO RECLAIM THEIR MORTAL SMIZES." This actually happened! And I think it's possible that a voodoo curse has just been placed on all of humanity.

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America's Next Top Model

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