And lo, another season of America's Next Top Model has come to pass, much in the same vein of seasons past. Yes, it's formula finale time, as the three remaining contestants struggle their way through a Cover Girl commercial and ad that has something to do with fruit and spritzing and lip gloss. Chantal seems to have her lines down the best, while Jenah struggles and almost needs cue cards. Saleisha also has a hard time nailing her lines, and actually has to take a moment to cry without messing up her eye makeup. Just like Tyra told her to! Imagine that. The first elimination of the episode is super-awkward, as both of the other girls name Jenah as the model with the least potential, and the panel totally makes her cry and elicits some mama issues after she says that the fact that she isn't spewing rainbows doesn't mean that she's not a happy person. She gets eliminated, but wins the real prize of climbing that metaphorical wall and getting to know the self that's on the other side. Or something like that. Saleisha and Chantal are thus the final two, and have a Seventeen photo shoot before embarking on their final runway challenge. As for the final runway show, Top Model apparently took advantage of the cheap Chinese labor and hired 500 extras to, like, either sit around and pray to the sun or stand around on lead-painted stilts as the girls walk. Sadly, this meant that there was only enough money left over to hire three people to be in the audience. The clothes are truly gorgeous, though. Saleisha Tootie-stomps her way down the catwalk, while Chantal gets tripped up when one of the guys on stilts gets caught on her train and falls down boom. In the end, it is as we all grimly suspected, and Saleisha takes home the crown. We can only hope that she finds as much success as Naima in her burgeoning modeling career.
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Thirteen finalists took the competition to the next level. The next level being mediocrity, I suppose. And I mean, after nine seasons, did we expect any less? While some girls kicked ass, and Asperger's, many others just outright sucked from the beginning. Three girls have survived it all, and tonight one of them will be named America's Next Top Model. Tyra asks, "Will it be Chantal, the bubbly blonde from Austin, Texas?" Is that a rhetorical question? Chantal was supposedly good, then supposedly not as good, leading the judges to wonder if this Barbie blonde has what it takes to become extraordinary. Well, she has what it takes to fellate a lime popsicle, if nothing else. Or will it be Saleisha, Tyra asks, the California girl who came into the competition with confidence? Yes, the type of confidence you could only get at a camp for girls named after the part of your face that gets really shiny, or in a nationally aired Wendy's commercial. I'm just saying. Or will it be Jenah, the photogenic tomboy with the sarcastic streak and the horse teeth? Good photos, difficult attitude, etc. Can Jenah turn on the charm and prove she's there to win? This question is cut off very quickly, before Tyra starts cackling and says, Heat Miser-like, "I'm too much!"
We begin with Tyra Mail: "This competition is ripe for the picking! It's time to show me your flava! Love, Tyra." Ah, so the girls will be doing commercials for Cover Girl's new Flava Collection, designed by the one and only Flava Flav! It's the natural choice for people who want to look like burn victims. Chantal, however, believes that they'll be shilling for Cover Girl flavored lip glosses. Oh, fine. Saleisha interviews that getting to the final three is a big journey for her, and she's so proud of herself. Oh, I'm sure she is. She made it to the top with no advantage over the other girls whatsoever! You know, I think that Tyra actually gave Saleisha that hideous Tootie wig just to try to convince us that she really was being harder on Saleisha, because she's, like, her adopted daughter or whatever. It's a bob of lies, is what it is.
The girls all lounge together on a bed. Jenah tells Saleisha that if the two of them are in the bottom two, she thinks she'll go home. Meaning, Jenah will go home. Saleisha, totally knowing this is true, just kind of shrugs her shoulders and says she doesn't know. BOB OF LIES. Meanwhile, Chantal prattles on. Jenah interviews that going home is not an option, and she wants to win. She says she's held on and held on and held on this long, so it will really suck if she gets sent home at this point.