America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Blames The Taxi Driver

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The Girl Who Freaked the Hell Out

Then we have Jaslene. Tyra says that she was a little disappointed with Jaslene. She wanted to feel a vibe or connection with her, but felt nothing. She tells Jaslene and the male model that they're not working together, and so they get a little closer. Jaslene interviews that she wondered how she could do it standing next to this male model, and that she had had to tell herself to let it go and not to be so tense. Why does she hate this guy so much? Maybe it's because his name is "Tamati," and she says, "Tomatey." Things seem to get better, and Tyra tells Jaslene that it got magical toward the end. They hug, and we get a full-on shot of Jaslene's tiny little butt. It is cute in accordance with the rule of miniatures.

Renee is next and has to kneel down in the water. She tells us that it was really cold. Renee has a big-ass tattoo on her lower back. She puts her arms up in the air like she just don't care, and Tyra loves it. She tells Renee that she's understanding the exercise, and then tells us that Renee has a natural "thing." It's called being attractive. Renee tells us that she had no idea how she looked in the freezing water, but Tyra seemed to like it, so that's what counts. And why wouldn't you value the opinion of a woman who, while serving in the role of a professional photographer, gets her pants wet in the ocean and then baby-voices, "I made a pee-pee. I made a pee-pee mommy"? I bet Annie Leibovitz does that all the time.

Natasha is next and is SO EXCITED. Tyra has her lay down in the sand, and she and the male model get in various rump-to-bump poses. Tyra keeps telling Natasha to elongate her neck, and then tells us that Natasha will have some nice photos, but not as many to choose from, given her tendency to scrunch up into a turtle neck. Natasha says that Tyra is a great photographer, because she gives you so many compliments. I guess "Don't lose your neck" must translate into "Natasha is now, as always, most beautiful girl on planet earth" in Russian.

And then it's time for the sexy men's magazine shoot. Tyra tells the girls that the models who can have both women and men love them are the most famous models in the world. So, big boobs, but not too big, I guess. Australian photographer Michael Omm will be helming the second shoot. Jaslene is up first, and Jay loves the fact that she came to set (snap snap snap) ready. Jay yells out compliments about how gorgeous and hot she looks, which Jaslene loves. Next is Dionne, who keeps giving mean instead of sexy. Jay tells her that a little smirky kind of smile works for her, because it de-means the whole thing. Michael Omm just says, "More sex." Why waste syllables about the face when a veritable grunt will cause a model to rub her own chest into a lather? Eventually Dionne gets something soft and pretty, at least according to Jay.

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America's Next Top Model




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