America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Can Cry At The Drop Of A Hat

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Guess Who's Coming To Dinner

Man, these girls are lucky! The one time I tried to get my hair cut in montage it went so fast my hair was completely ruined and I accidentally ended up in Topeka when it turned into a travel montage right in the middle. Catie complains gently throughout. Yoanna is all good vibes about everything. Mercedes -- her eyebrows with some sort of nasty cream on them -- tells us, "I'm just trying to control my pain of tolerance." Does she mean "tolerance of pain," or does she literally mean that accepting things causes some kind of physical anguish? Meanwhile, Jay takes the girls through makeup tips of how to create a "smoky eye," because it's going to be important later. Heather's hair looks exactly the same as it did in the "last" "episode," which she wasn't in because she's fake, and ergo the sarcastic quotes.

And now, good people, the reason Yoanna is going to win this thing. We join her in her gleeful post-haircut phase, and she is all smiles and looking foxy. Her hair is a choppy tousle of shortness, and she does a little "it could be a hat, a brooch, a pterodactyl" thing, showing us that it could be worn up, down, or as a pterodactyl. Very retro-Benatar, proving that Pat's look is never really out and that hell really is for children. And that's why children like Catie tell us, "I've never bleached my hair like this before, and I never want to ever, ever, ever, ever again." Jenascia complains that they "played the tall card" on her again, though I have to pull her off the bottom of my shoe and then shrink down to an Asimov-sized body traveler to be able to hear her from all the way down in Tinytown. Sara complains that she's sick of "these bitches" complaining about all that's being done for them, and says she digs her own radical transformation from "Mall Chick in New Jersey" to the higher tax bracket of "Mall Chick on Long Island."

Okay, Catie's done. And while the jury is still out among y'all, I will jump in and say I think it looks pretty great. I know, I know. She's a terror and an immature weasel and was born in nineteen-eighty-eleven-seconds-ago, but I still think she has a pretty face. And yes, she does look a little like a marshmallow. In a movie about a marshmallow. Where the role of "marshmallow" is being played by Rory Culkin. But trust me: I don't bother hating the hair, because as much as I could ever hate it, Catie sure as hell hates it more. So why agree when there's the option of being contrary? Tricomi tries to tell Catie that she just doesn't understand the concept, and she begs, "Help me understand." ["Ha! That's a great line. If your hair needs to be taught to you in a PowerPoint presentation followed by a quiz that tests your understanding of it, it's not good." -- Wing Chun] She makes faces and worries, "I feel bald." As she steps into the rest of the salon, there are gasps from the other girls, and even a quiet "That's exactly how I pictured it" from April, who really means, "I'm so glad you finally look bad." Jenascia takes a sip of spite from a cup she's holding (awww, she could sleep inside that cup if she wanted!), and tells us in a confessional, "She told me that she can cry at the drop of a hat." And then she does cry. To the wrong person entirely.

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America's Next Top Model

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