America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Can Cry At The Drop Of A Hat

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Guess Who's Coming To Dinner

Heather and Yoanna sit at the table in the kitchen, Heather just eating a pickle. Yoanna forces food on her, and Heather tells us, "I feel like she's the only person who actually cares." That is, until a homeless man smiles at her on her walk to the pickle store, and Heather runs home and places a hasty phone call that starts off with the excited sentiment, "Mom, I'm engaged!"

Tyra mail! Xiomara reads hesitantly, "Be ready at 2 o'clock" -- doesn't she mean 2:45 minus forty-five? -- "to beat your face and beat the clock." Beat your face? I'm sure that's just a modeling trade term.

Off we go to Jay's studio, I'm guessing, where Jay tells us that he taught the girls the previous day how to make "a glamorous, smoky eye." I'll just assume that happened, is what I'll do. We could have used one more shot of it and one less shot of fake-Heather and her blonde shambition tour. Jay tells the girls that this is the day to test their skill, and to that effect shows us two...oh, my god, WHAT THE LIVING HELL IS THAT??? Can't type. Too...cowed... by...raw...t-t-t-terror... to continue. What's behind Jay is a ph-ph-ph (sorry, I thought I was better but then they SHOWED IT AGAIN) photo of Tyra without makeup on. They must be going out of their way to get Jay some work this week by showing what a magician he is, because she is the executive producer and under any circumstances should have had that picture strapped to Superman's back to have it flown backwards around the world to the day before the invention of unrefined papyrus and its eventual application to film stock. Then, Earth should have been blown up. Just to be sure it was gone. It's really the scariest thing I've ever seen, with its dead-eyed fish stare and pesky combination skin. The other photo features Tyra with "a glamorous, smoky eye," which they're told they have fifteen minutes to achieve, during which time they all have to use the same mirror, one set of brushes ["goodbye, ocular hygiene" -- Wing Chun], one makeup palette, ten pairs of eyelashes, and ten sponges. The winner of the smokiest, most glamorous eye wins a dinner at the loft with three mystery guests. And. AND. The girls who don't win have to cook and serve the dinner! And I know no one there actually eats anything, but who cares, with a plot as delicious as this one? I'm rubbing my hands together with glee. When I'm not peeking out from between tightly bonded fingers as to avoid another run in with stills from the Night of the Living Tyra feature coming this segment from Alien Autopsy Films.

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America's Next Top Model

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